We all have this unique person who is different from the rest of us in our family, and that doesn't mean this person is a sign of bad luck or disgrace to the family since he/she is different from the rest. Its absolutely OK to be different because we are all created to be different. Some of us are tall and some of us are short. Some of us are intelligent and some of us are not. Some of us are optimistic and some of us are pessimists. Some of us are deaf, and some of us are not. Some of us are blind and some of us are not. Sadly many people believe that being disabled is a disgrace or shame to the person and to his family.
I in the other hand feel different from the people around me and that is something I'm used to right now. Why? Because I was not meant to fit in but to be who I'm that is what I'm doing right now(Discovering myself) why am I always different from anywhere I go. This sense of contrast began as a young age for me. Ever since I was able to remember I was different.
As a young child my family treated me as a different person from the rest of the children in our whole offspring, some times they said I was the only fool, other times they said I was no child of Ismael offspring but devil brought me to them. Other times they said I was a disgrace to the family, they punished me differently and they acted differently towards me. They said different words that they have not said to the other kids and this is what led me to feel like I was different from the rest of the children.
And then I lost my ability to hear and this was a huge impact in my life that made me feel completely different from the rest of my family because since I was already different. Now I was for sure different and it even got worse I was treated even worse but its what made me who I'm today.
Today I feel different almost anywhere I go but I know I'm not meant to fit in so I don't see anything wrong with being different, I go to work and I'm the only deaf employee in the branch that I work, I go to school and I'm the only deaf student in the whole college, I go to my somali community and somehow I'm different whether I'm the only deaf in the presence or the only somali infidel who is not wearing hijab whatever its there is always this sense of difference that I feel. I go to my in-law's family reunions or events and I'm the only dark person or only deaf person. I go to my biological family and as well I'm not the only deaf but also the only family member who is married to a foreign spouse and only family member who left her faith. and lastly I go to deaf community and there is always this sense of difference whether I'm the only deaf who lost her hearing during her teenage or whatever its.
And I find it that being different is not a shame or something that diminishes me or stops me from doing what I want but its something that makes me feel special being different is a unique gift and we should embrace it instead of shaming or belittling those who are different from the rest of us.
From my experience I'll highlight few things that you should never do to your daughter. sister.cousin or a deaf female family member. you may not know how to help them or what to do with a deaf person who needs help with something and you may step on to do things for them thinking you are doing the right thing unknowingly you are somehow not doing them a favor.
1. Never encourage her to hear but accept who they are.
You may hear a rumor that there is a good doctor somewhere that could help your deaf daughter and when you take her there she decided not to go farther with the procedure of implanting devices to help her hear things.
If she wants to go on with the procedure its up to her but if she decides not to go farther respect her decision and don't encourage her to rethink about her decisions because in this stage she realized that no matter what device she implants in her head she'll always be a deaf person and in this she decided to accept and embrace who she is instead of trying to fix herself as if she is a broken glass.
My mother worked hard for several months finding the right doctor to operate me and implant cochlear implant in my head to see if it helps me hear better but when she finally found Mayo Clinic which she thought was the best and the procedure was a week away I told her I'm not going to take the procedure. why? Because the doctor told us that its likely 50/50 it might work or it might not work at all and I wanted to be sure that what I'm taking was going to work for me because the risk was high as the doctor told me it may cause side effects so after discussing with some deaf people who had experience with the procedure I decided not to go farther. Why should I take the risk when I can be who I'm with no problems. of course we all want to hear but we have to accept that some of us are not meant to hear at all and that is a gift not something to be ashamed. I used to be ashamed of my disability but as I got educated I accept who I was meant to be.
2. Never discourage her because of her inability to hear.
You may jokingly tell your deaf daughter, sister or cousin that she can't do something because she is deaf. You may not know that but this is hurtful and heart breaking if your daughter wants to do something or want to study something try to help her but if you don't know how to help her try to say something nice or at least say nothing because broken dreams are like broken mirrors it will take her a very long time to put that broken mirror together piece by piece just like how we put our broken hearts together to get over what had broken our hearts and move on.
I'll give you one example of my experience, one day I took my college placement test and I got a good result that I could start my developmental classes to catch up with college. I was so excited and wanted to share the big news with my mom I knew she was not a supportive mother but I thought at least it would show her that I can do my best to achieve my dreams. And when I told her I passed the placement tests and I could take my developmental classes she was like. What? Your handwriting is really terrible you need to improve your handwriting before you start college. This was heart breaking for me what I don't understand is why should she be talking about my loose handwriting of course even today my handwriting is really, really terrible like I started writing yesterday but this should not be topic to bring up on that moment. so dear parents, siblings and cousins remember when to talk about certain topic and when not to bring up about certain topics. Know that a deaf person made a great effort to achieve what they want just like anyone else and they need to be congratulated like your other none disabled kids but if you just tell them that they are terrible on this and on that when all they needed you to do was say (CONGRATULATIONS) it breaks their hearts and shatters their dreams and hopes.
3. Never laugh at her due to misunderstandings.
We find irony on small things and laugh at it, laughing is good but when its about laughing at your deaf daughter who misunderstood something its NOT OK to laugh at her little mistakes.
Although you may think its funny and its small things that would not hurt her feelings but in fact its a big deal and hurts her feelings deeply. If you must laugh or can't control because we are all humans and sometimes we can't control our laughs try not to laugh in front of her and don't talk about this little comic thing with your friends when she is around.
I'll share one of my many experience to high light this topic. OK, this one night my family and I were sitting under a full moon and the only light we had was the moon light. My cousin started talking about a speeding car he saw a long time ago, I don't know what was so special about this speeding car however my cousin used to talk a lot about this speeding car. I tried read his lips under the moon light since there was no other light. When he said the word GAADHI which is (car) in somali language I mistook it as GABADH(lady). So in order to make sure I get what he said. I asked him. Did you say a speeding lady? Everyone burst out laugh maniacally as if they have never seen a small misunderstanding. I felt angry and embarrassed at the same time but that is not all. My grandma kept repeating that little comic to her friends and other neighbors for weeks, months and years. It felt like she never forgot it. So my advice is if you must laugh and entertain your friends about a little comic misunderstandings try to do it when your deaf daughter is not there.
4. Never tell her let's go, tell her where you are taking her.
You may think its OK not to tell your deaf daughter where you want to take her no matter how old she is, maybe you are too tired to explain or maybe you don't have time to try to explain things to her because of communication barriers and you just simply tell her. We're are going out today. You must be dressed at 1 O'clock.
Are you kidding me? you are not kidnapping your own daughter. Are you? Because she is not a puppy to follow you around she needs and have the right to know where you are taking her to.
My experience from this was that majority of the time my mother would rather tell me to be ready on certain time and day and that we had to go somewhere but she would never tell me where to. Even if I asked her where we are going she seldom told me but most of the time she said no more questions, you will know when we get there.
You don't want your deaf daughter to wander around mentally by thinking. Did your family finally got tired of having a disabled daughter? Are they going to get rid of you by taking you far, far away and abandon you there? I did although I was only there by flesh but my mind was in another galaxy wandering around that galaxy and thinking where am I are being taken to? I would be sitting somewhere in a nice building and wandering what is going on why am I here? But there is no one to tell you what is really going on.
If you must take her to a doctor or somewhere else, at least tell her we are going to see a doctor. She will know what is going on.
5. Never do things for her. Let her do with your help.
You may plan to take your teenage deaf daughter to somewhere that concerns her. Instead of doing all the talking and all the work try to let her include by allowing her to talk however easy she can communicate with others, some may speak, some may sign, some may write so if there is not interpreter present try to include her in the work that you are doing for her.
My mother took me to a bank once to open a bank account for me but she just did all the talk, and all the work but I never got a chance to know what was going on there. I was only there by the flesh. its the same as being in a crowd of people who are speaking other language than yours.
6. Never manage her money. Teach her how to manage it.
You don't want anyone to take care of your own money for you? Would you like to be dependent on someone with your own money? Of course nobody wants that.
So instead of telling your deaf teenager daughter that you'll keep and manage her income, teach her how to do it by herself. Teach her how to open a bank account, how to deposit and withdraw money, how to make budget of what she should pay and what she should save. Its hers not yours so educate her what you can and let her learn how to be an independent person.
7. Never use your child's disability to obtain the means of benefits.
You maybe broke and think its good idea to use your child's inability to hear to get money from the government or from an organization.
This is the worst idea not a good idea at all. Your child feels like you don't love them and you are using their disability to gain benefits for yourself.
I have a terrible experience with this. My mother applied a job at the county where we lived as a nanny for my siblings so the company thought I was the nanny not the big sister and my mother apparently reaped a lot of money for a year which I never saw. Because my mom said she was going to keep it for me and didn't allow me to put it in a bank.
If you really need money badly ask her permission to use what you need to use and if she says NO then NO means NO.
8. If you don't know how to do something that concerns her. ask her how to do.
Your deaf daughter's work may request her to get CPR certificate but you have no idea where you should call to set an appointment for the CPR lessons. All you have to do is ask her if she knows how because if you are not involved in deaf community you will not know what your deaf daughter needs.
Here is my experience. My mother applied me a job as a nanny for my four siblings but half a year later the job asked my mother to provide a proof of CPR and first aid certificate but my mother did not know where a deaf person should go to get this certificate. So instead of asking me how to get it she just let it go. I told her all she needed was to find a CPR and first aid lesson and ask them to hire a sign language interpreter for me.
9. Never clap or make noises to get her attention.
You may think its easier to just sit back on the couch and clap like you are at a dance party or make weird noises or even bang at the wall with your bare palms just to get your deaf daughter's attention. This is wrong, never clap at her or make any annoying noises to get her attention. there are many ways to get your daughter's attention. Try flicking the light that is near her two or three times, go and gently tap on her shoulders or try to wave your hands these are effective ways to get a deaf person's attention.
My experience to this is that my mother used to clap, band on the wall or hiss like SSSSSSS to get my attention, I hated this very much but I never said. Mom STOP hissing, banging or clapping at me.
10. Treat her like she is special.
Many parents belittle their deaf daughters thinking that she is incomplete. Dear parent no human is incomplete, she is not incomplete she just can't hear and that doesn't make her incomplete.
Treat her like she is unique because she is unique and needs your support, acceptance and love to thrive. If you don't know how to teach her something let her go and discover it. Don't pay all the educational needs to your none disabled children and let your deaf daughter take care of the house and the household chores let her educate and discover because she may not hear anything but she is a human being, she is has a curious nature like any other child and she is an adventurous driven to discovering the world.
So in order to educate her let her go out, learn and discover her dreams.
My whole life I was told that I could not do this and that, I could not be this and that due to not only my disabilities but also my gender my faith and my culture but I don't buy that anymore.
11. Let her go out and explore the world.
A deaf person learns better with their eyes because they don't have one of their most important sense so if a person can't hear their eyes become their ears too and they need to go out and discover the world with their eyes.
What I mean is we all know that many somali parents would rather their daughters deaf or not remain at home all time except when they are going to school or have something important to do out doors.
I"m not saying that hearing daughters should stay at home all the time either what I'm saying is that your deaf daughter is special and have special needs, she needs to go out doors and learn things visually.
My experience to this was that my mother had strict rules that I must be at home unless I have important errands to run or I'm going to school and this was not helping me learn anything, meet anyone and discover the new country which in just come into.
I used to tell her that I was going to do important errands. I would go out go learn and social while still under the disguise of doing errands but mom was always texting and asking what I was doing and where I was.
A deaf person learn by visual so let your deaf child go out doors and explore the world with their eyes.
12. Don't dumb your deaf daughter at home. let her have fun too.
Well. Our somali mothers love going to weddings, visiting family or friends and leaving the deaf person at home because of her inability to hear. A deaf person may not hear but that doesn't mean they should be excluded during the fun times like going to weddings and other parties.
My mother only took me once to a wedding because the bride invited me and even if I'm not there to watch the kids she would rather not to take me there with her.
In Somalia deaf people are treated like they are worth less than the other people, the children in the streets throw stones because they think you are incomplete and this is because how the adults treat the deaf people and while the kids are throwing stones to a deaf passersby the parents are there doing nothing. Not teaching their children to respect deaf people because they are a human beings like them just because they can't hear doesn't make them aliens
All those mentioned above are my experience and I believe that there are other deaf females out there who are currently having the same situations right now. I hope this helps them nevertheless if you are having theses situations and are reading this please stand up for yourself and tell your parents not to treat you like how I was treated. Because you don't want to deal what I dealt with and live how I lived.
My mother worked hard for several months finding the right doctor to operate me and implant cochlear implant in my head to see if it helps me hear better but when she finally found Mayo Clinic which she thought was the best and the procedure was a week away I told her I'm not going to take the procedure. why? Because the doctor told us that its likely 50/50 it might work or it might not work at all and I wanted to be sure that what I'm taking was going to work for me because the risk was high as the doctor told me it may cause side effects so after discussing with some deaf people who had experience with the procedure I decided not to go farther. Why should I take the risk when I can be who I'm with no problems. of course we all want to hear but we have to accept that some of us are not meant to hear at all and that is a gift not something to be ashamed. I used to be ashamed of my disability but as I got educated I accept who I was meant to be.
2. Never discourage her because of her inability to hear.
You may jokingly tell your deaf daughter, sister or cousin that she can't do something because she is deaf. You may not know that but this is hurtful and heart breaking if your daughter wants to do something or want to study something try to help her but if you don't know how to help her try to say something nice or at least say nothing because broken dreams are like broken mirrors it will take her a very long time to put that broken mirror together piece by piece just like how we put our broken hearts together to get over what had broken our hearts and move on.
I'll give you one example of my experience, one day I took my college placement test and I got a good result that I could start my developmental classes to catch up with college. I was so excited and wanted to share the big news with my mom I knew she was not a supportive mother but I thought at least it would show her that I can do my best to achieve my dreams. And when I told her I passed the placement tests and I could take my developmental classes she was like. What? Your handwriting is really terrible you need to improve your handwriting before you start college. This was heart breaking for me what I don't understand is why should she be talking about my loose handwriting of course even today my handwriting is really, really terrible like I started writing yesterday but this should not be topic to bring up on that moment. so dear parents, siblings and cousins remember when to talk about certain topic and when not to bring up about certain topics. Know that a deaf person made a great effort to achieve what they want just like anyone else and they need to be congratulated like your other none disabled kids but if you just tell them that they are terrible on this and on that when all they needed you to do was say (CONGRATULATIONS) it breaks their hearts and shatters their dreams and hopes.
3. Never laugh at her due to misunderstandings.
We find irony on small things and laugh at it, laughing is good but when its about laughing at your deaf daughter who misunderstood something its NOT OK to laugh at her little mistakes.
Although you may think its funny and its small things that would not hurt her feelings but in fact its a big deal and hurts her feelings deeply. If you must laugh or can't control because we are all humans and sometimes we can't control our laughs try not to laugh in front of her and don't talk about this little comic thing with your friends when she is around.
I'll share one of my many experience to high light this topic. OK, this one night my family and I were sitting under a full moon and the only light we had was the moon light. My cousin started talking about a speeding car he saw a long time ago, I don't know what was so special about this speeding car however my cousin used to talk a lot about this speeding car. I tried read his lips under the moon light since there was no other light. When he said the word GAADHI which is (car) in somali language I mistook it as GABADH(lady). So in order to make sure I get what he said. I asked him. Did you say a speeding lady? Everyone burst out laugh maniacally as if they have never seen a small misunderstanding. I felt angry and embarrassed at the same time but that is not all. My grandma kept repeating that little comic to her friends and other neighbors for weeks, months and years. It felt like she never forgot it. So my advice is if you must laugh and entertain your friends about a little comic misunderstandings try to do it when your deaf daughter is not there.
4. Never tell her let's go, tell her where you are taking her.
You may think its OK not to tell your deaf daughter where you want to take her no matter how old she is, maybe you are too tired to explain or maybe you don't have time to try to explain things to her because of communication barriers and you just simply tell her. We're are going out today. You must be dressed at 1 O'clock.
Are you kidding me? you are not kidnapping your own daughter. Are you? Because she is not a puppy to follow you around she needs and have the right to know where you are taking her to.
My experience from this was that majority of the time my mother would rather tell me to be ready on certain time and day and that we had to go somewhere but she would never tell me where to. Even if I asked her where we are going she seldom told me but most of the time she said no more questions, you will know when we get there.
You don't want your deaf daughter to wander around mentally by thinking. Did your family finally got tired of having a disabled daughter? Are they going to get rid of you by taking you far, far away and abandon you there? I did although I was only there by flesh but my mind was in another galaxy wandering around that galaxy and thinking where am I are being taken to? I would be sitting somewhere in a nice building and wandering what is going on why am I here? But there is no one to tell you what is really going on.
If you must take her to a doctor or somewhere else, at least tell her we are going to see a doctor. She will know what is going on.
5. Never do things for her. Let her do with your help.
You may plan to take your teenage deaf daughter to somewhere that concerns her. Instead of doing all the talking and all the work try to let her include by allowing her to talk however easy she can communicate with others, some may speak, some may sign, some may write so if there is not interpreter present try to include her in the work that you are doing for her.
My mother took me to a bank once to open a bank account for me but she just did all the talk, and all the work but I never got a chance to know what was going on there. I was only there by the flesh. its the same as being in a crowd of people who are speaking other language than yours.
6. Never manage her money. Teach her how to manage it.
You don't want anyone to take care of your own money for you? Would you like to be dependent on someone with your own money? Of course nobody wants that.
So instead of telling your deaf teenager daughter that you'll keep and manage her income, teach her how to do it by herself. Teach her how to open a bank account, how to deposit and withdraw money, how to make budget of what she should pay and what she should save. Its hers not yours so educate her what you can and let her learn how to be an independent person.
7. Never use your child's disability to obtain the means of benefits.
You maybe broke and think its good idea to use your child's inability to hear to get money from the government or from an organization.
This is the worst idea not a good idea at all. Your child feels like you don't love them and you are using their disability to gain benefits for yourself.
I have a terrible experience with this. My mother applied a job at the county where we lived as a nanny for my siblings so the company thought I was the nanny not the big sister and my mother apparently reaped a lot of money for a year which I never saw. Because my mom said she was going to keep it for me and didn't allow me to put it in a bank.
If you really need money badly ask her permission to use what you need to use and if she says NO then NO means NO.
8. If you don't know how to do something that concerns her. ask her how to do.
Your deaf daughter's work may request her to get CPR certificate but you have no idea where you should call to set an appointment for the CPR lessons. All you have to do is ask her if she knows how because if you are not involved in deaf community you will not know what your deaf daughter needs.
Here is my experience. My mother applied me a job as a nanny for my four siblings but half a year later the job asked my mother to provide a proof of CPR and first aid certificate but my mother did not know where a deaf person should go to get this certificate. So instead of asking me how to get it she just let it go. I told her all she needed was to find a CPR and first aid lesson and ask them to hire a sign language interpreter for me.
9. Never clap or make noises to get her attention.
You may think its easier to just sit back on the couch and clap like you are at a dance party or make weird noises or even bang at the wall with your bare palms just to get your deaf daughter's attention. This is wrong, never clap at her or make any annoying noises to get her attention. there are many ways to get your daughter's attention. Try flicking the light that is near her two or three times, go and gently tap on her shoulders or try to wave your hands these are effective ways to get a deaf person's attention.
My experience to this is that my mother used to clap, band on the wall or hiss like SSSSSSS to get my attention, I hated this very much but I never said. Mom STOP hissing, banging or clapping at me.
10. Treat her like she is special.
Many parents belittle their deaf daughters thinking that she is incomplete. Dear parent no human is incomplete, she is not incomplete she just can't hear and that doesn't make her incomplete.
Treat her like she is unique because she is unique and needs your support, acceptance and love to thrive. If you don't know how to teach her something let her go and discover it. Don't pay all the educational needs to your none disabled children and let your deaf daughter take care of the house and the household chores let her educate and discover because she may not hear anything but she is a human being, she is has a curious nature like any other child and she is an adventurous driven to discovering the world.
So in order to educate her let her go out, learn and discover her dreams.
My whole life I was told that I could not do this and that, I could not be this and that due to not only my disabilities but also my gender my faith and my culture but I don't buy that anymore.
11. Let her go out and explore the world.
A deaf person learns better with their eyes because they don't have one of their most important sense so if a person can't hear their eyes become their ears too and they need to go out and discover the world with their eyes.
What I mean is we all know that many somali parents would rather their daughters deaf or not remain at home all time except when they are going to school or have something important to do out doors.
I"m not saying that hearing daughters should stay at home all the time either what I'm saying is that your deaf daughter is special and have special needs, she needs to go out doors and learn things visually.
My experience to this was that my mother had strict rules that I must be at home unless I have important errands to run or I'm going to school and this was not helping me learn anything, meet anyone and discover the new country which in just come into.
I used to tell her that I was going to do important errands. I would go out go learn and social while still under the disguise of doing errands but mom was always texting and asking what I was doing and where I was.
A deaf person learn by visual so let your deaf child go out doors and explore the world with their eyes.
12. Don't dumb your deaf daughter at home. let her have fun too.
Well. Our somali mothers love going to weddings, visiting family or friends and leaving the deaf person at home because of her inability to hear. A deaf person may not hear but that doesn't mean they should be excluded during the fun times like going to weddings and other parties.
My mother only took me once to a wedding because the bride invited me and even if I'm not there to watch the kids she would rather not to take me there with her.
In Somalia deaf people are treated like they are worth less than the other people, the children in the streets throw stones because they think you are incomplete and this is because how the adults treat the deaf people and while the kids are throwing stones to a deaf passersby the parents are there doing nothing. Not teaching their children to respect deaf people because they are a human beings like them just because they can't hear doesn't make them aliens
All those mentioned above are my experience and I believe that there are other deaf females out there who are currently having the same situations right now. I hope this helps them nevertheless if you are having theses situations and are reading this please stand up for yourself and tell your parents not to treat you like how I was treated. Because you don't want to deal what I dealt with and live how I lived.
