Image by Emily's Quotes
Toxic parents do terrible things to their children while thinking that they are doing the right thing. However, the uneducated the parents are the more terrible child abuse they do to the children. Also those who were abused by their parent are more likely to abuse their children later. nevertheless, here are 14 terrifying experience of living with a toxic grandmother who was terribly cruel in many ways and was uneducated in order to change her punishing methods.
1. Too old to chase a kid, no worries.
The more I grew older, stronger and faster. The more she grew older, weaker and slower. That is life reverse. As we reached that moment where she could not chase me when she was angry with me just to catch and punish me, she turned the table around by asking my uncle, cousins and other people to catch me for her. However, when there was no one around and she could not get me, she always concocted other terrifying tricks and one of those tricks was to trick me to get her something from inside our tiny hut or do cleaning inside the herd pen. So when I got inside she got after me and caught me. The hut is not like your modern huge rooms which have doors, locks and windows. However, huts are very very small, as small as a bathroom. It have no windows but only a tiny entrance so when grandma got in after me, there was no way I could escape from her. Same as the herd pen, it has so many layered thorn branches and were stacked high as five feet and wide as four feet. There was no where to escape from her cruelty.
What makes this terrifying is the fact that knowing that something terrible is going to happen to you and you don't have anywhere to escape or anyone to call as a rescue. Imagine being in a tiny room with only one entrance and in that entrance entered by the world's hugest lion who happens to be hungry and the moment you have realized that this lion is so hungry you know that you'll not leave this room alive. I don't mean grandma was going to kill me but that was how I felt. Knowing her cruelty towards me and knowing that grandma is ANGRY was frightening enough.
2. No breakfast and no lunch.
Every morning we left home hungry and knowing that we won't be having anything to eat till the night come. Grandma valued our animals very much, I can say even more than us the kids. She did not want selling a sheep or goat so often to trade food for us. That was when she decided that we must eat once in 24 hours a day which was dinner to dinner. However, During the rain seasons we had milk that we drank in the morning or during the noon which helped us stay alive till dinner time. Nevertheless, during the dry seasons were the most terrifying times to be starved.
What makes this terrifying is the fact that we had only couple large spoons of white rice last night and as the morning arose, we had to make granny a cup of tea nothing else and start the day ahead starving already. And the fact that we were starting a long day ahead herding the animals at the mercy of the desert sun.
3. The stick comes before word.
When our children do something wrong we first talk to them and if they don't listen then every parent is different on how they carry on that situation with their little one. My grandmother on the other hand always started whipping before I even knew what wrong I have done. The whip hits first then the words come second and this was her routine method of punishment. For example, She jumps out of a tiny air while I'm doing errands or eating peacefully and grabs a rope, a shoe or a stick and starts whipping without saying. Hey Asma you did something wrong today and you'll be punished for your disobedience or whatsoever wrong you did. That never happened. The stick flies before the word comes.
What makes this terrifying is the fact that your parent/guardian changes their mood all of sudden and starts to whip you and you wonder what you have done wrong and why were you not informed your wrong doings and the punishment so you could be prepared at least you should know that you will be punished even if you don't know how or when at least you should be informed the punishment and the reasons behind it. And the fact that she pretended that she was not angry and hide her wicked plans, prepared herself the weapon she wanted to use and the right moment to punish me is also terrifying. Because the usual time she used to punish me was the time I was starting to have my peace of mind. it's when we put the herds in their pen, when we eat our dinner and prepare ourselves to bed. How could I sleep the night with such sore body and bruises along with the tiring daily chores.
4. Being compared to animals and other things.
We all know that nothing satisfies a toxic person. That was my grandmother, nothing ever satisfied her no matter how hard I tried to satisfy her. So when she was disappointed or unsatisfied with me she would compare me with animals such as sheep, donkeys. She believed that certain animals including sheep and donkeys were naive animals easily manipulated and or that they are cowards. It's a shame that such a fine tiny but hard working creature (donkey) are treated like that. They deserve better than this.
What makes this terrifying is the fact that no matter how hard I worked nothing ever satisfied her and after all the hard work I did to make her happy I was compared to animals and other objects.
5. Being tied under the trees.
Tying me under our hut or under trees was my grandmother's favorite type of physical punishment. And she did whenever, wherever and however she wanted to tie me. During the day or at night, under a nearby tree or far by tree, with heavily tightened rope or slightly tightened rope. Half an hour or half a day it's all her decision, no one else can untie me unless she gives the order. Some of my uncles could but they were never there because they didn't want to be around such a person like her.Passersby and neighbors asked her to untie me but they could not do anything and she did not feel any shame for doing such cruel things in front of people.
What makes this terrifying is the fact that she would tie me under a nearby tree at night just to scare me and leave me there for sometime. No matter how I begged and pleaded that I'll be good and listen to her she still tied me there and left me there for until she was tired enough to go to sleep. This is the worst nightmare a kid could ever have because what if a lion or a hyena ate me or what if a poisonous snake bit me, she even told me stories about a little girl being eaten while she was tied under a tree at night. It was pitch black I could not see anything few feet away from me. Or the fact that I could lose my hands when the rope was too tight and I was left there all day long.
6. Rapist in the local? Nothing to worry about.
My grandmother was always skeptical of a certain neighbor for certain reasons. Sometimes she would tell me, that neighbor is thief and would warn me to watch out our home. Sometimes she would tell me that neighbor, they suck goat milk in their mouths. While it's hilarious to hear such thing as people sucking goats, I don't mean it does not happen but it's of course laughable. I always had doubts of my grandmother's claims that the mentioned neighbor were what they are being accused of because none of the other neighbors ever said anything about them being thieves or goat suckers, whatsoever I know one thing. If my grandmother doesn't like someone or a family she always says ridiculous things like that. But this is hilarious not terrifying. Right? well, let me tell you the terrifying part., it's when she would say to me. Hey Asma, that neighbor are goat rapists watch out the goats. Goat rapists? Whether they rape animals or humans they are rapists and the local children should be extra watched not only the goats. But while I'm watching the goats and protecting them from the goat rapists. Who will watch me and protect me from them? Will such a pervert who rapes innocent animals leave a little girl? Of course not.
What is terrifying about this is the fact that my grandmother was not concerned about my safety or the safety of the neighboring girls since she knew or suspected that the mentioned neighbor rape animals. And the fact that I'm also a tiny creature as helpless and powerless as the goats and that even if I protect the goats I can't protect myself from the rapist. And the fact that I'm not sure if she was just falsely accusing them of being rapist or she didn't simply care my safety. I'm still confused about her intentions of the accusation, it's either that she knew they were perverts but didn't care my safety or she was scaring me. Well whatever her intentions were they went into grave with her because I have never had the chance to ask why she said such things and did not seem to be concerned that the perverts might hurt me.
7. Being humiliated in front of people.
Apparently I'm realizing that my grandmother was a big show off kind of person. She would say or do unimaginable things in front of people just to show off how good disciplinarian she is. For example she would give me whacks of wooden clubs in front of neighbors, or her friends who come to visit us. She would also say awful things that an adult should never say to a child, one of her favorite word for verbal abuse was the sharmuuto word which is translated (slut) and she would not hesitate to say this to me in front of anyone.
What is terrifying about this is when it comes to her obsession of showing off of her fancy disciplinary methods she did not care how I felt being humiliated in front of people. I was so used to almost anything she said or did but when there were someone around and she did or said something humiliating it hurt even more. Sometimes she would make wild accusations that I was going to kill her. Just like that one afternoon, she asked me to get her a small metal called sabarad that is used to dig on the ground especially when we wanted to build a hut or other small holes in the ground. The sabarad is as thin as your typical water hose and is four to five feet long. So when I got the sabarad from the neighbor and leaned it near her on the wall while granny was busy talking to a neighbor. For some reason the sabarad accidentally slipped from the wall and almost hit grandma but the thing is even if it hit her it would not cause harm. The only time it could cause harm was if it fell from the above or someone used with their mighty power intentionally but as an accidentally slipped from where it was leaned, it would only cause a minor ache that would pass in a minute. But grandma immediately turned the table claiming that I leaned the sabarad there intentionally to kill her. Even the neighbor who was a witness tried to convince her that it was an accident however she did not see it that way. What is more terrifying being labeled a murderer when you have killed or hurt no one.
8. Being whiny instead of bossy.
When it come to whining we imagine that only the children who can't get what they want whine but in my experience sometimes adults whine for no apparent reasons. Granny was a big whiner sometimes. for example One time I washed our clothes. However, washing clothes in Africa is not as simple as how we do it in America, we only sort the color and fill all the clothes together in the washer pour the soap and start the washer. Nonetheless, in Africa we wash clothes one at a time and we sort them by how clean or dirty they are instead of color. We wash the cleanest one first, then the clean ones second and the dirty ones last. The thing is my clothes were the cleanest ones, my cousin's the clean ones and grandma's the dirty ones. Why because she used to wear one outfit for over a week without taking it off unless she was going to the mall or visiting to family or friends. Plus she rubbed her skin with petroleum jelly as moisturizing cream. After every oily meal instead of washing hands and drying with towel or clothes she would rather rub her hands together and moisturize her hands, face and legs with the oil from the food. In every couple weeks or so she would apply two palm-full of sesame oil or ghee butter on her hair or else she will have a terrible headache. After all that added up oils and the dusty in my country joined together on her clothes over a week, the clothes were always discolored and greasy. I spent about ten minutes to make the soap bubble every time I washed her clothes.
My cousin on the other hand used to play football around the dusty alleys or he would sit nearby and watch other boys play, coming home with all of his clothes being dirty from the dusty. He also rubbed his hands instead of washing after meals and used sesame oil or butter as a lotion. Even though he did not wear his clothes that long but for few days.
Nevertheless, mine were the only clean ones in the house. I used lotion instead of oil, rarely applied oil on my head and changed my outfits on every three or so days.
Now back to the topic, When I washed my clothes before theirs grandma was displeased and she would just stand near me so I could here her complaints and whine and say "My clothes and the boy's are washed after hers". She intentionally said this knowing that I heard her saying those things to no one but herself. In fact this was her way of telling me that she was not OK with what I was doing and instead of giving the orders she choose to just complain. How can a boss complain in front of his staff instead of giving the orders? Or how can a queen whine in front of her servants and not demand anything from them? Same as how can a parent/ grandparent do that either. They are the bosses after all.
I should be the one whining not her, because all she needed to do was to come and tell me to wash her clothes and the boy;s first and watch her demanded being granted.
What is terrifying about this is the fact that I felt that I was the bad person. It made me feel like I was disrespectful to my grandmother and cousin and that I was mistreating them and it made me even feel guilt for doing it. And the fact that the person who is complaining is in front of me and is the boss who could be the commander not complainer.
9. Play the victim.
You heard that? The perpetrator plays the victim. That is what my granny used to do, no matter the situation she always saw herself as the victim of some sort of a mafia little girl. Because this is what she did whenever her cruel abuse was questioned. She once burned parts of my body and when my mother asked why she did, she turned the table on the other side accusing me of running away and seeking my father's tribe. Blaah. She said that she was the victim and I was the bad girl. This was her response when mother asked why she burned me. At first she tried to point her finger on other things like that I was a wild kid back then, climbed on tree and fell down so as a result I injured myself but then eventually her story was not making any sense so then she turned the table on the other side saying. "I have raised your daughter, I carried her on my back etc, but now look at her she is bigger than a mountain and stronger than an elephant. Now I'm the weaky one who lost an eye and a leg". Look at me, where I'm right now.
What makes this terrifying that it was confusing me back then. I was young uneducated and did not know what was happening to me. So when grandma mistreat me, believed that I was the victim and then granny would start to whine like I'm the one who abused or mistreated her. I got confused of the situation and I would start doing harder while trying to please her since it made me feel like being the bad person but nothing ever changed the fact that she was the one doing wicked abuse and then playing the victim.
10. Blame the victim.
Every wicked and cruel punishment she carried on me, every mistreatment and every abuse she have done she blamed it on me. She treated me as if I made her do what she did to me. For example when she padlock my legs with a five feet long chain she would say to me that if I did not run away, if I stayed and obeyed I would not be chained. And the local kids would not be laughing at me or think that I'm an insane person just for being chained. When she tied me under the trees she would say if I listened and obeyed etc I would not be in that situation. However, no matter how I tried not to make her angry at me she was a toxic person and a someone who did not know how to control their anger so whenever she got angry or disappointed she would do terrible things and then claim that it was my fault that drove her to do it.
What is terrifying about this is that being a grand-kid of such a person who can't control or manage their anger issues, someone who finds solace in wielding the stick. What is more terrifying is being under the care of that person.
11. Blames women/girls on everything.
In my culture, some of my people believe that women belong at home. this is not only my culture but also religious tenet which puts women and girls indoors while the men go out doors for bread winning or to fend them food and other thing. The only time women and girls are allowed out door is when there is a male guardian accompanies them. My grandmother on the other hand strongly believed this, she shown immense respect to women and girls who rarely went outdoors and she shown hatred to those who went outdoors often especially unmarried young girls. She believed that the reason they are going out is to wander around the town and attract men which makes them in her mindset prostitutes even if they are virgins she does not care the fact that they went out shows they are wild ladies.
She also blamed some of rape victims just because she doesn't like them or their family and treated them as if they wanted to be raped. For example, one of my distant cousin got raped by five drunk men in the middle of the night. The girl and her friend came from a wedding and were on their way to their homes when they heard the drunk men calling them. My cousin somehow stopped to respond to the perpetrators while the other girl run as fast as she could but my cousin was unfortunate. Even though she was saved and hospitalized as a result. However, in the eyes of my grandmother it was her fault, the fact that she did not run and the fact that she doesn't like my cousin's family.
What is terrifying about this is that I was one of those unmarried young woman who were the devils. And going out doors would eventually end up me bringing home a child out of wedlock according to grandma that would be the result of doing that. or the shame that I might bring by getting raped or whatsoever. She did everything she could to home prison me but I didn't like it and rebelled to have at least one day a week to stretch my legs and walk around to get some fresh air.
12. Told the neighbors not to have me in their houses.
Have you ever seen or heard your guardian telling another person not to welcome or talk to you for no apparent reasons? What kind of grandparent tells neighbors to chase away their grandchild? My granny did that anyways. Whenever she saw me hanging out with my peer whom she disliked or dislike their family she usually used to tell me not to hang out with that person ever again but if I ignore she went to that girl's family and told them. "My granddaughter is crazy, she won't listen to me and she is like a devil's child so if she comes to hung out with your daughter please tell her to leave". She did this because if a toxic person can't control you by themselves they'll do anything to close every door you opened to have your life the way you want and this is her way of doing things just because I ignored her demands to not befriend with a specific person for no reason. In that situation I did not feel like she was my grandmother but I felt like she was my rival competing me with everything.
What is terrifying about this is that she would do anything to stop me finding friends or hanging out with neighbors or even visiting them. She would say. What is in that house that you are always going to? Are they prostituting you? What else then are you doing there? She would also tell anyone who comes to our home whether they are family, friends, neighbor or even strangers. She would say. She is leaving this house as much as she pleases, she won't listen to me and she is doing whatever she wants. What should I do folk? That was her way of playing the victim after everything she have done.
13. Being accused of sex.
What kind of parent/grandparent could possibly accuse an eight year old girl for prostitution? Granny did that anyways, It started when I was probably seven or eight year old she would pull my pants and do what I believe was inspection. But for what? she would nag me whenever something happens like some of the herds got strayed and she would keep saying that. "How did the animals got strayed? Where have you been? What have you been doing"? Then she would answer herself saying. Oh yeah, you went to the camel herdsmen to fuck you? I don't know why she did such thing as cruel as that but what I think is that it might be something that her own mother used to do and said to my grandmother because she was so obsessed with this kind of disgusting accusations of a crime for such a tiny creature who doesn't even know what sex is. Eventually the reason she burned my genitals has something to do with her obsessions of this kind of behavior of hers.
What is terrifying about this is the fact that an adult should never accuse a child of sexual related behaviors. The fact that she treated me as if I'm the one asking for it. Nothing is more frightening to be accused of something beyond your imaginations and knowledge.
14. The gut-wrenching verbal abuse that would last hours.
Would you say so many unpleasant and hurtful words about someone intentionally knowing that the person is present and can hear you just because you are mad at them? Whenever granny was mad or disappointed and did not want to do physical punishment she would just talk, talk and talk for hours as long as I'm present at the spot and her knowing that I can hear all the gut-wrenching and hurtful words she is saying about me. It was one of her many obsessions that she would say all kinds of hurtful words or even derisively mimic after me something I have said before.
What is terrifying this is that being there hearing all the heart crushing words that are said about you but you are unable to do something to stop or leave the spot. There were times that I didn't have any errands to do to leave the spot where granny was conducting her hurtful verbal abuse. And the fact that the person doing this to you is your guardian who you can't confront physically nor verbally. We were raised to never talk back to our parents, grandparents and great-grands. So all I did was just endure but she would not stop for a long time until she was tired enough or perhaps had a sore throat from talking too much and could not say anymore.
Nonetheless, while everyone justifies her action to her being toxic I'm here questioning her insanity and I still can't understand what she did no matter how I tried to understand nor can I forgive. Sadly my family wants me to just bury everything and forgive for the sake of HEAVEN now that she is dead, but I believe that forgiveness is earned. If granny wanted my forgiveness she would have asked me but she didn't think my forgiveness was necessary. Forgiveness is not free stuff found in everywhere but it's earned.
