How To Get A Deaf Person's Attention

Getting a deaf person’s attention may not be as hard as one thinks, but it’s not as easy as one thinks either, because the deaf world and the hearing world are two very different worlds. They have different cultures, different approaches, and different ways to communicate. Therefore, the deaf world can be a bit difficult for hearing people at first; the same applies to the deaf person when approaching the hearing world because the world is not the same for everyone.

We, the deaf community get approached by hearing people every so often and we’re ready to respond to the strangers who can hear that we are deaf and that we can’t hear what they are saying. And that we are not ashamed to tell you that we are deaf or pretend we can hear you, because we want you to understand that there are hearing impaired individuals among us (humans). We want you to ask us the deaf people what is the best way for us the deaf people to communicate. However, the majority of hearing people just apologize as if they made a mistake by approaching us then leave in a hurry, which is both rude and intimidating to the deaf community. You may think it’s OK to say, ‘I’m sorry’ and walk away when you’ve finally gotten a deaf person’s attention.   But honestly, it’s intimidating, disappointing, and beyond rude.

It takes us (deaf people) two minutes to explain to the hearing world that we are deaf. But it takes them two seconds to apologize and disappear. It’s unfair. In this essay, I will proceed to teach you how to approach a deaf person if it’s your first time you met a deaf person for the first time. The more you learn about the deaf culture the better you do when you meet deaf people.

1 Move into their visual field.

In order to get a deaf person’s attention, you must move to their field of vision, which is moving in their front or their both sides. This is a crucial tip for deaf people because a deaf person can’t hear your voice; they need to see you. Making eye contact is also crucial for this in hearing culture too, not only deaf culture.

2 Tap their shoulder gently with the pad of your fingers.

Attach your four fingers together to make them a pad of fingers then gently tap the deaf person’s shoulders, there is no specific shoulder – just tap the shoulder closest to you and make it about three taps. No pokes, no slapping, and no punching or other inappropriate things because it will be rude, and you’ll get a frowning face from whoever’s attention you were trying to get. Don’t worry about receiving backlash about touching a stranger, since deaf people are so used the touch. As long as you tap the correct place, which is their shoulders.

3 Wave your hands in the air.

This tip is very important but it’s even more important to move into the person’s visual field first. After you move into their field of vision, wave one or both of your hands in the air and repeat this until the person sees you or your hands are too tired to move anymore.  But if waving is no use to them, find another way to approach them.

4 Rap the table.

This tip is used when you are sitting at a table with a group or an individual, but the person you’re sitting with is a little too far for you to reach his/her shoulders to tap and won’t respond to your waving hands. Don’t worry, just rap the table not too violently just a bit gently so the table can send enough vibration to the person. Do that only if the person is in contact with the table otherwise the vibration won’t work for the individual. This is a very effective way to get a deaf person’s attention when the place is too crowded, or the audience is too busy communicating.

5 Flick light but not too fast.

This is used for audience or a room full of deaf people. Turn the light off and wait for about two seconds before turning it on again. This is important because if you flick the light in a fast pace, it will indicate an emergency, and you don’t want to frighten your class/audience, or make the room look haunted. This is for an audience, so if you want an individual pays attention, then you must go and approach the individual by yourself. If you don’t get everyone’s attention by the first flick, repeat the action twice but not 3^rd or 4^th because it would freak the audience out. However, if there are still people who are not attentive yet, ask another person to get their attention.

6 Second hand help.

This tip is used when you ask someone to help you get an individual’s attention. It’s called second hand help, and you tell the person next to your target individual to pass you to his neighbor. This tip is important when it’s hard for you to get the attention of your target individual. For example, you’re in the middle of your assignment speech, but one of your students is hooked with his phone. You don’t want him to miss the important homework assignment, but you can’t suspend the speech and go to approach him in person because he won’t be noticing your waving hands anyway. So, you tell the other students who are attentive to tap him for you, and when they do, you tell him to pay attention for the homework assignment.

7 Establish a comfortable distance.

After you finally get the deaf person’s attention, you establish a comfortable distance. Don’t come too close or stay too far because both are awkward positions while trying to communicate with a deaf person. Therefore, it is essential to maintain your respective distance and be respectful to their boundaries.

PS

I, myself, as a deaf person who is married to a hearing spouse and grew up around hearing people, have experienced many rude ways that people tried to get my attention. I remember that somtimes my own mother who would rather clap or hiss at me knowing my hearing condition, which is a little too sensitive to those noises. However, it was the most annoying thing that ever happened to me. I don’t blame her about this or ever mentioned to her how annoying it was, because she came from a different culture, in a place where there is no deaf culture, and she never had met a deaf person since she arrived in the United States. I’m the first deaf person she ever met. This is the reason I picked this topic for the essay. I want to educate hearing people like my mother, so next time they meet a deaf person, they approach and conversate in a respectful manner.

When you approach a deaf person, and you realize that the person is deaf, never apologize and leave immediately. Because, first of all, deafness is not a disease that we’ll pass to you. It’s a condition, and it doesn’t mean that someone is deaf because they’re miserable or they live in a miserable life. Perhaps you may not intend to act like you’re pitying them for being deaf, but that is how it sounds to the deaf community.

Deaf people don’t want your pity or sympathy. They want your understanding, inclusion, and acceptance. So, if you ever meet a deaf person, don’t just apologize and flee from the scene, instead, asking the person which method works for him or her to communicate. Some deaf people read lips, some write, others use gestures, and we are happy to assist you in every way we can.

My Self-Acceptance

It’s July 2011, I was lying on my bed at my mother’s apartment pondering what will my life become. My mother just informed me that she scheduled my Cochlear Implant (CI) surgery appointment with Mayo clinic in Rochester, MN. In two weeks, we would be driving an hour and a half down to Rochester for the operation and it was a matter of time for me to make a life changing decision. However, something was missing. As I lay there wondering what had gotten into me. Why am I not jumping over the moon? I have been traveling around the world for the past six years of my life to seek treatment, to restore my hearing ability.

 It was at this time, that I was able to come to peace with my hearing loss.

Still laying on that bed, questions flooded on my mind. Will the implant help me hear again? Will it cause me any harm? Will it change who I am? Is it worth the risk of possible side effect? But most of all, the most important question that was on my mind was: do I really want this procedure?

Six years before that day back in my native country, I was a normal person like the rest of the people--nobody paid any attention to if I was there or not, but after I suddenly lost my hearing ability, I become the center of the attention. It felt like I suddenly transformed from an invisible person whom no one paid attention to, to a person whom everyone stared at, pointed fingers at, threw stones at, and called names. So yes, I wanted to be hearing again, I wanted to be the invisible person that no one paid attention to, I wanted to be equal of the rest of the people. And most of all, I wanted to feel safe walking on the streets once again.

Aside from the deep depression of feeling helpless and desperate of support and solace, there were many other challenges and barriers that I had to face. Communication was the top challenge; I came from a country of verbal--we send each other verbal messages, give verbal instructions, tell our histories verbally, and our folktales verbally. Because the majority of people in my native country are illiterate due to being pastoralists coupled with almost three decades of civil war that hindered people from education. Therefore, it was impossible for me to communicate by writing, some women had face veils, which made it impossible for me to lipread, others simply turned away and started arranging their small shops, leaving me frustrated and wondering how much this soap bar costs. Although I was fortunate enough to learn how to read and write my native language before I lost my hearing -- still it didn’t help me much. People were not interested in writing for me. Therefore, they talked, talked, and talked. So yes, I wanted to be hearing again; I was tired of being yelled at, kicked out of shops because I couldn’t hear them, and I hated receiving questions like: are you deaf? When, surely, I was deaf.

Another challenge back in my native country was people’s perspectives toward the disabled women coupled with the lack of human rights. Being both disabled and a woman, I was treated as if I was an incomplete human being, I was told that I was half as worthy as the non-disabled girls of my age. I was not worthy of a good bride’s price if I got married. I was not worthy of a decent man, instead I could only marry an older, already married, poor or disabled man like me. I was not worthy of proper education instead only allowed to take care of the house chores. So yes, I wanted to be equal to my peers, I wanted my life to be successful and to live a happy life. In my native country, peer competition is what motivates most young girls and middle-aged women. And honestly all the young girls are advised to walk in the footsteps of their successful peers.

The most depressive thing back in my native country was my family; my family stopped talking to me. They only spoke to me when they needed to tell me something otherwise I was not worthy their time. My grandmother who raised me turned all the misunderstandings and mis-interpretations that took place into comedic entertainment to tell people. “Can you believe it, I asked her if she added sugar in the tea--she talked about the water truck instead.” It was the most difficulty thing trying to understand what they were saying, and I may have misinterpreted words and phrases; instead of correcting them for me, they made fun of me. They refused to tell me where they were taking me or where I was supposed to go. They only told me to dress up and go with them and I would be following them around like a leash-less puppy. So yes, I wanted to hear again, I wanted to hear what everyone was saying. I hated them laughing at me. I didn’t like following them around all day not knowing what I was going to do or where I was going.

The final challenge that made me want to take the procedure was because of my family’s effort; they spent both their time and their finance to restore my hearing ability. They took me to every good doctor in my native country, they took me to the neighboring countries and they brought me to the States for treatment. And by refusing the surgery meant disappointing them. It was going to crash all their dreams of having a hearing daughter, granddaughter, sister, niece, and aunt. And this is the reason I had to think about it the hard way for hours and days. So yes, I wanted to hear again, to make my family proud of what they have done for me. To make them proud of themselves that they have finally achieved what they thought was best for me.

As you may be curious what a cochlear implant is, a Cochlear Implant (CI) is a surgically implanted neuro-prosthetic device that assists people with severe or profound hearing loss. It bypasses the natural acoustics and replaces them with electric currents. The sound reaches to the brain electrically through the electrode array that is implanted near the brain. The CI electrode is placed inside the cochlea, then the receiver/stimulator is placed inside the head bone, the sound processor with the speech processor is magnetically connected to the receiver usually on left or right side of the skull. They all work together like the normal ears work.

While CI is the widely used implant, it also has many problems and negative aspects including but not limited to nerve damage that could lead to partially paralyzed body, nerve injury that changes your sense of taste, leaks of fluid around the brain, and the electrode array that is implanted inside the cochlea can become rusty and can cause pain. I had a friend in New York who suffers severe pain from it, he has to take medication several times a day. What scared me the most was that the doctor said the electrode array is only replaced when it is broken or becomes rusty but is never removed.

Hours had passed, and I was still laying there thinking. I thought about how hard it was to accept myself for being deaf after all the difficulties I have gone through. I told people I’m deaf but something inside me said. “No, this is just a temporary phase and you’ll be a hearing person again when the time comes,” and this became my soothing mantra. I thought about how hard it was to be deaf in Somalia, but then I realized that I’m not in Somalia anymore, I’m in the United States. I realized that DEAF is the identity that I have been denying for so long and it’s not temporary, it’s permanent. I realized that even with an artificial cochlea, I would still be deaf and that there was no point of denying it anymore. I thought about how much my life had changed since I came to the states. I already started school, summer jobs, made friends, learned technology, met deaf people who were very proud of themselves and I learned two new languages at the same time. The more languages I learned, the less difficult communication became. Therefore, I didn’t need to worry about getting an artificial cochlea at all. This doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle in life anymore; life is full of struggles, challenges and surprises. It means I learned how to live my life the way I want, to ignore negativity, and embrace positivity. I learned how to dream and pursue it. And most of all, I learned that my deafness doesn’t define who I am.

After a week had passed, I wrote a letter to my mother who was sitting in the living room—explaining why I didn’t want the surgery and informed her to cancel the appointment. My family was not happy with my decision at first and we had series of discussion, but they respected my decision. I felt a huge relief because the false hope of regaining my hearing was over for the first time in so many years. My head felt light because the worries and the fear of the CI was over. And so, my focus shifted to moving forward as a proud deaf person.

Forced on Exorcism

FYI, this is one of my class informal writing, I just wanted to post it here since I don't have a lot time to write something.

She is possessed, I lost my hearing ability mysteriously due to tinnitus. Later the doctors discovered that my auditory nerves being damaged due to an unknown cause. Which become hard to explain to the illiterate world that I lived where people only understood two things, the God’s work and the work of evil. To them the good things that happen to people are the work of God and the unfortunate events that happen to people are the work of evil.

She is possessed, get the Imams from the local Mosques. She is possessed by the Jinns, that explains why she can no longer hear. The Imams would flock to my home or rather wherever I lived. They would endlessly recite verses of Quran on me and on the property, they would make me holy water by slightly spitting in tons of jerry-cans filled with water. They would do this repeatedly every so often because my family were so convinced that a colony of Jinns were residing in my head causing me to become hearing loss.

She is possessed, get the fortune teller. The fortune teller or rather I call her the torture teller stripped me naked in front of two elder women, violently chopped off my favorite rooster’s head and then gently whipped the now dying rooster’s headless body against mine which its warm blood run through my back till it breathed its last breath. Then a small bowlful of herb powder mixed with water was rubbed on my hair and I was given a mini golden tea kettle of water to wash off all the blood and the herb mix. I was given neither a towel nor a wash cloth to assist me washing the blood and the herb mix. I had to dress up still soaked with the blood.  I watched my grandmother rip the rooster’s features violently like a hungry hyena to make us a fancy Pasta Maria spaghetti with chicken stew for lunch. I lost my appetite and left the chicken slaughter house. The result come in and of course as my grandmother wanted to hear. “It’s the Jinns," said the torture teller. And the treatment was two week length of exorcism.

She is possessed, take her to the culture healing center.  The room was full of women and girls from ten years to ailing elderly women, supposedly possessed by what they called Jinn or the evil. I went there regularly for four hours in a month and a half until one day the Iman who owned and operated the healing center called me and another girl to the exam-room. He then molested me during the exam in front of the other girl. However, after he realized that I was not under the possession of the Jinns he went to my home before me to tell my family his version of the story. “Congratulations! The Jinns have finally given up resistance, God has answered your prayers."  My family were over excited to hear the devastating version of my story. I had to keep it to myself because nobody would believe me anyway. They would think I was making up the whole story, so I don’t go to the healing center again. Or they would think it’s the jinns speaking and not me. The witness was his niece in-law who lived in his house. I couldn’t trust her because she was his family. Therefore, she was not a reliable witness. I spent the next day standing on the street running away from anyone who tried to convince me to go to the healing center. With a lot of threats, curses and begs I made it through the day never going back to the center.

She is possessed, at where I’m from ignorance can be bliss, people will self-diagnose you if they don’t know what is wrong with your health. Our bodies are equipped with thousand cells, nerves and veins so if anything happens to any of these listed above nobody will know what is wrong with your health except a professional doctor with his/her special equipment. Therefore, the other people will assume that it’s the Jinns. I don’t know if this is caused by the lack of health insurance where people can’t afford medical check-ups and purchase medicines. Or if it’s caused by the ignorance that people just think they know everything. Or the obsession with religion that made them believe that the Quran cures everything. I guess all of the above, my family were poor they were deeply and strictly religious, they were and still are illiterate when it come to biology or how our body functions,

I said I’m not possessed, I don’t have Jinns living in my body. I don’t need this treatment, it’s not going to help me anyway. Leave me alone. I got locked in the room with my uncle to perform his exorcism duty.

I said I’m not possessed, I don’t need thousand Imams flocking to my home every so often. I don’t need fortune tellers and their animal sacrificing rituals. I don’t need evil healer who sneaks his hand under my hijab to squeeze my breasts as if they are stress balls. or being locked in the room with my uncle to force exorcism on me. I need audiologist and professional doctors in the audio field. They kept their forced exorcism anyway.

The Odd Habits We Exhibit

Picture by Momblogsociety





I have been wondering why do I have so many habits that I have been exhibiting for so long. Some of these habits are from my childhood as early as I can remember and those habits have never changed one bit. yet most of the time I acquire new habits. So I have been doing some research to learn about habitual. Habits are not unique things because everyone has habits whether they can explain why do they have those habits or have no explanations of their habits, I myself don't have explanations for many of my habits that is why I did the research to learn more about my habitual and tendencies. Here are some of the habits that I exhibit a lot.

1) Use the odd one out toilet stall

Most of American public restrooms have this one unique toilet stall which is different from the rest. I call it the odd one out,  This toilet stall is usually located at the end of  a row of toilet stalls next to the wall and it's wider than the rest of the stalls. However this odd one out turns to be my favorite toilet stall. The reason behind my odd one out habit is when I came to the United States I have a chronic constipation. I didn't want people waiting for me too long since I had to spend a long time in the toilet so I choose the last stall because not many people go to the last stall unless the rest are occupied. Another reason was since I had a chronic constipation I always ended up blowing tons of gas (flatus) like an air conditioner so in this case I tried to go the farthest toilet stall so my blowing doesn't disgust other people. However even though I don't have that condition anymore I still love the odd one out toilet stall. I don't have an issue using the narrowed stalls I just don't like accidentally hitting the stall walls with my elbows while trying to make my way to my business.

2) Eating something while cooking meal.

 Some people have tendencies of eating something while they're cooking their meal. For example one may just come from work and is hungry, he/she starts the fire, prepares the ingredient of the meal they want to cook and starts the process but then grabs a bowl of cereal or a loaf bread with jam and eats and in less than an hour the meal is ready. My husband does that most of the time and I'm like "you have eaten two meals already. What are you doing with the 3rd"?  However, that is not me, no matter how hungry I'm I don't eat if I plan to cook. What is the point of cooking the meal if I'm going to eat other food. If I have to eat other food I usually postpone the cooking and cook when I have relaxed. Sometimes I come home starving and I start preparing my favorite meal which would be ready in an hour and half or perhaps in couple hours I  have no problem staying hungry that long and that is one of my bad habits but I have no intention of changing it because I'm picky eater and if I don't like what I ate then I don't get satisfied with my food. It stresses me out until I have eaten something I like.

3)  Stuff the blanket in my sides.

This may sound weird to you but well this is one of my long, long habits that I have developed during my life in nomad as a child. I usually fill all my sides, feet and head with the blanket leaving only the mouth and nose for breathing; the reason behind this is when I lived in nomad we used to sleep under the stars and with all the Mother Earth's creatures crawling at night it was no save zone to sleep peacefully. For instance a bug may crawl under the blanket and finds it's way inside your clothes. I hate talking such things it gives me goosebumps; not to mention the dangerous night crawlers like snakes, scorpions etc, I have lost a cousin for a venomous snake. Not only the fear of those creatures made me stuff the blankets all over my body but also because I have shared the blanket with my cousin or with grandmother, I did not want them taking the blanket away from me and leaving me unguarded. Apparently the blanket was my guardian angel it helped me stay safe from dangerous creatures. Even though I don't sleep under the stars or have any bugs that would crawl around my bed, the thing is I got so used to sleeping completely dark rooms since we didn't have light back then. I like to sleep in a dark place, completely dark I spend 20-30 minuted getting myself comfortable, I toss and and turn and fill every little spot that I have missed to fill. During summer I don't do that because it's hot I only cover my head leaving my mouth and nose open for breathing.

4) Make up songs in my head

As a non-verbal person I sing in my head. I'm a deaf person and I don't hear the songs so I invent my own songs, It doesn't have to be a whole song it can be a single word, it can be a name of a city, person or object. It can be someone's full name whatever it can be my brain just gets so attached to it and I can sing it for sometime depending on how fast I invent the next word in my head. I remember the first person whose name I got so attached. It was around 2009 and I was watching Revolutionary Road and then I saw kate Winslet's name on the starring list and that is when I have started singing her name in my head. I can't remember the last person's name who I have sang, it could be O.J Simpson or Homer Simpson or anyone else, not always the famous people it could be my teachers, classmates friends anyone. It's not always people's names it can also be city names or  a city and its country's name like Brussels Belgium, Jakarta Indonesia or Bogota Colombia. It can also be an object's names or almost anything. I have no explanation for this habit but I think it might be related to being a non-verbal.

5) Delete all my emails.

Deleting all my emails every time I open my inbox is one of my everyday habit. I don't delete everything but I save the important emails in specific folders and delete the junks and all unnecessary emails. Who wants 300,000-900,000 unnecessary emails sitting in their inboxes and junks. That is not me I like the neat inbox it also helps me keep on track of my emails. Why? because if I have not opened my inbox for a day I have time for the search for important emails but if there are thousands already sitting in my inbox I'll be going nuts trying to find the important emails that I need to check and save.

I have no explanation for this nor intent to quit doing it so I'll just leave it that way.

6) Click a button before sharing something on facebook from someone's facebook.

This is both funny and weird of course but if I like something or interested something from other facebook user's wall then I click like, love or any other button that suits the things to show them that I'm interested in that thing on their wall before sharing. Of course it's rude to share stuff from someone's territory and not let them know you liked or interested it. To me it's a way of saying thank you for letting me see this interesting thing on your facebook territory. It's also creepy to me going to another person's territory, sharing their things without letting them know you are interested in it. Also I have no explanation of this one either it's one of my self taught habits and I'll carry it with me for the rest of my breathing time.

7) Watch movie of TV series while eating.

Who would want to sit on a dining table and boredomly munch a meal till their last bite? That is not me, I don't  even eat on the dining table unless there is a family meal. The best moment of my day is when I have my favorite meal and my favorite movie or TV series at the same time undisturbed. Again I have no explanation of this either nor do I intend to work on changing.

8) Wash the dishes first, rinse them last

when it come to hand washing the dish many people tend to wash and rinse one by one at the same time. Filling one sink with soapy water and the other sink with clean water. But that is not  me. I wash all the dish with the soap and put the soapy dish in the empty sink and when I have finished I rinse them. This is one of my youth-hood habit but I have no explanation anyways.

9) Don't eat food in hurry.

Eating food in hurry is common in the Unites States, you may have five minutes before your shift, class or the your presentation and you're too hungry or won't be having  time to enjoy your meal later so you eat in hurry. However that is not me. I savor each moment of my meal therefore eating in hurry doesn't help my satisfaction, same as eating food in which it's taste I don't like. I can wait as long as I can, I'm resistant to hunger even though at the end of the day I pay the price for making my body stay hungry for a long time. I lose all the energy and I feel like I'm going to faint other times I get dizzy. I know this is the worst thing to do and I'm working on changing this habit but sometimes I still end up doing it.

10) Skip meals.

Skipping meals is unhealthy to anyone who does it but it's one of my bad habits that sometimes I can't find an appetite for anything at my home therefore I skip eating. I don't intend to change this habit either because if I don't have an appetite forcing myself to eat something is not going to help either so I wait till the next meal time to eat something.

11)  No beverage while eating.

Some of us tend to eat and drink at the same time me on the other hand don't like that.
If I drink beverage while I have not finished my meal it makes me get full easily and leave leftovers in my plate it also makes me feel stuffed for a long time which also bothers with my next meal. Therefore I wait till I'm full or have finished my meal then have my beverage. I have no explanation nor intend to work on it. Because I'm fine with the way things are.

I do have many other habits but those are all I can share right now. I also would like to know what are everyone's habits too. Let me say nothing to be ashamed of our habits.  Life is too short to not savor each moment.

14 Terrifying experience from living with a toxic grandmother

                                   Image by Emily's Quotes

Toxic parents do terrible things to their children while thinking that they are doing the right thing. However, the uneducated the parents are the more terrible child abuse they do to the children. Also those who were abused by their parent are more likely to abuse their children later. nevertheless, here are 14 terrifying experience of living with a toxic grandmother who was terribly cruel in many ways and was uneducated in order to change her punishing methods.

1. Too old to chase a kid, no worries.

The more I grew older, stronger and faster. The more she grew older, weaker and slower. That is life reverse. As we reached that moment where she could not chase me when she was angry with me just to catch and punish me, she turned the table around by asking my uncle, cousins and other people to catch me for her. However, when there was no one around and she could not get me, she always concocted other terrifying tricks and one of those tricks was to trick me to get her something from inside our tiny hut or  do cleaning inside the herd pen. So when I got inside she got after me and caught me. The hut is not like your modern huge rooms which have doors, locks and windows. However, huts are very very small, as small as a bathroom. It have no windows but only a tiny entrance so when grandma got in after me, there was no way I could escape from her. Same as the herd pen, it has so many layered thorn branches and were stacked high as five  feet and wide as four feet. There was no where to escape from her cruelty.

What makes this terrifying  is the fact that knowing that something terrible is going to happen to you and you don't have anywhere to escape or anyone to call as a rescue. Imagine being in a tiny room with only one entrance and in that entrance entered by the world's hugest lion who happens to be hungry and the moment you have realized that this lion is so hungry you know that you'll not leave this room alive. I don't mean grandma was going to kill me but that was how I felt. Knowing her cruelty towards me and knowing that grandma is ANGRY was frightening enough.

2. No breakfast and no lunch.

Every morning we left home hungry and knowing that we won't be having anything to eat till the night come. Grandma valued our animals very much, I can say even more than us the kids. She did not want selling a sheep or goat so often to trade food for us. That was when she decided that we must eat once in 24 hours a day which was dinner to dinner. However, During the rain seasons we had milk that we drank in the morning or during the noon which helped us stay alive till dinner time. Nevertheless, during the dry seasons were the most terrifying times to be starved.

What makes this terrifying is the fact that we had only couple large spoons of white rice last night and as the morning arose, we had to make granny a cup of tea nothing else and start the day ahead starving already. And the fact that we were starting a long day ahead herding the animals at the mercy of the desert sun.

3. The stick comes before word.

When our children do something wrong we first talk to them and if they don't listen then every parent is different on how they carry on that situation with their little one. My grandmother on the other hand always started whipping before I even knew what wrong I have done. The whip hits first then the words come second and this was her routine method of punishment.  For example, She jumps out of a tiny air while I'm doing errands or eating peacefully and grabs a rope, a shoe or a stick and starts whipping without saying. Hey Asma you did something wrong today and you'll be punished for your disobedience or whatsoever wrong you did. That never happened. The stick flies before the word comes.

What makes this terrifying is the fact that your parent/guardian changes their mood all of sudden and starts to whip you and you wonder what you have done wrong and why were you not informed your wrong doings and the punishment so you could be prepared at least you should know that you will be punished even if you don't know how or when at least you should be informed the punishment and the reasons behind it. And the fact that she pretended that she was not angry and hide her wicked plans, prepared herself the weapon she wanted to use and the right moment to punish me is also terrifying. Because the usual time she used to punish me was the time I was starting to have my peace of mind. it's when we put the herds in their pen, when we eat our dinner and prepare ourselves to bed. How could I sleep the night with such sore body and bruises along with the tiring daily chores.

4. Being compared to animals and other things.

We all know that nothing satisfies a toxic person. That was my grandmother,  nothing ever satisfied her no matter how hard I tried to satisfy her. So when she was disappointed or unsatisfied with me she would compare me with animals such as sheep, donkeys. She believed that certain animals including sheep and donkeys were naive animals easily manipulated and or that they are cowards. It's a shame that such a fine tiny but hard working creature (donkey) are treated like that. They deserve better than this.

What makes this terrifying is the fact that no matter how hard I worked nothing ever satisfied her and after all the hard work I did to make her happy I was compared to animals and other objects.

5. Being tied under the trees.

Tying me under our hut or under trees was my grandmother's favorite type of physical punishment.  And she did whenever, wherever and however she wanted to tie me. During the day or at night, under a nearby tree or far by tree, with heavily tightened rope or  slightly tightened rope.  Half an hour or half a day it's all her decision, no one else can untie me unless she gives the order. Some of my uncles could but they were never there because they didn't want to be around such a person like her.Passersby and neighbors asked her to untie me but they could not do anything and she did not feel any shame for doing such cruel things in front of people.

What makes this terrifying is the fact that she  would tie me under a nearby tree at night just to scare me and leave me there for sometime. No matter how I begged and pleaded that I'll be good and listen to her she still tied me there and left me there for until she was tired enough to go to sleep. This is the worst nightmare a kid could ever have because what if a lion or a hyena ate me or what if a poisonous snake bit me, she even told me stories about a little girl being eaten while she was tied under a tree at night. It was pitch black I could not see anything few feet away from me. Or the fact that I could lose my hands when the rope was too tight and I was left there all day long.

6. Rapist in the local? Nothing to worry about.

My grandmother was always skeptical of a certain neighbor for certain reasons. Sometimes she would tell me, that neighbor is  thief and would warn me to watch out our home. Sometimes she would tell me that neighbor, they suck goat milk in their mouths. While it's hilarious to hear such thing as people sucking goats, I don't mean it does not happen but it's of course laughable. I always had doubts of my grandmother's claims that the mentioned neighbor were what they are being accused of because none of the other neighbors ever said anything about them being thieves or goat suckers, whatsoever I know one thing. If my grandmother doesn't like someone or a family she always says ridiculous things like that. But this is hilarious not terrifying. Right? well, let me tell you the terrifying part., it's when she would say to me. Hey Asma, that neighbor are goat rapists watch  out the goats. Goat rapists? Whether they rape animals or humans they are rapists and the local children should be extra watched not only the goats. But while I'm watching the goats and protecting them from the goat rapists. Who will watch me and protect me from them? Will such a pervert who rapes innocent animals leave a little girl? Of course not.

What is terrifying about this is the fact that my grandmother was not concerned about my safety or the safety of the neighboring girls since she knew or suspected that the mentioned neighbor rape animals. And the fact that I'm also a tiny creature as helpless and powerless as the goats and that even if I protect the goats I can't protect myself from the rapist. And the fact that I'm not sure if she was just falsely accusing them of being rapist or she didn't simply care my safety. I'm still confused about her intentions of the accusation, it's either that she knew they were perverts but didn't care my safety or she was scaring me. Well whatever her intentions were they went into grave with her because I have never had the chance to ask why she said such things and did not seem to be concerned that the perverts might hurt me.

7. Being humiliated in front of people.

Apparently I'm realizing that my grandmother was a big show off kind of person. She would say or do unimaginable things in front of people just to show off how good disciplinarian she is. For example she would give me whacks of wooden clubs in front of neighbors, or her friends who come to visit us. She would also say awful things that an adult should never say to a child, one of her favorite word for  verbal abuse was the sharmuuto word which is translated (slut) and she would not hesitate to say this to me in front of anyone.

What is terrifying about this is when it comes to her obsession of showing off of her fancy disciplinary methods she did not care how I felt being humiliated in front of people. I was so used to almost anything she said or did but when there were someone around and she did or said something humiliating it hurt even more. Sometimes she would make wild accusations that I was going to kill her. Just like that one afternoon, she asked me to get her a small metal called sabarad that is used to dig on the ground especially when we wanted to build a hut or other small holes in the ground. The sabarad is as thin as your typical water hose and is four to five feet long. So when I got the sabarad from the neighbor and leaned it near her on the wall while granny was busy talking to a neighbor. For some reason the sabarad accidentally slipped from the wall and almost hit grandma but the thing is even if it hit her it would not cause harm.  The only time it could cause harm was if it fell from the above or someone used with their mighty power intentionally but as an accidentally slipped from where it was leaned, it would only cause a minor ache that would pass in a minute. But grandma immediately turned the table claiming that I leaned the sabarad there intentionally to kill her. Even the neighbor who was a witness tried to convince her that it was an accident however she did not see it that way. What is more terrifying being labeled a murderer when you have killed or hurt no one. 

8. Being whiny instead of bossy.

When it come to whining we imagine that only the children who can't get what they want whine but in my experience sometimes adults whine for no apparent reasons. Granny was a big whiner sometimes. for example One time I washed our clothes. However, washing clothes in Africa is not as simple as how we do it in America, we only sort the color and fill all the clothes together in the washer pour the soap and start the washer. Nonetheless, in Africa we wash clothes one at a time and we sort them by how clean or dirty they are instead of color. We wash the cleanest one first, then the clean ones second and the dirty ones last. The thing is my clothes were the cleanest ones, my cousin's the clean ones and grandma's the dirty ones. Why because she used to wear one outfit for over a week without taking it off unless she was going to the mall or visiting to family or friends. Plus she rubbed her skin with petroleum jelly as moisturizing cream. After every oily meal instead of washing hands and drying with towel or clothes she would rather rub her hands together and moisturize her hands, face and legs with the oil from the food. In every couple weeks or so she would apply two palm-full of sesame oil or ghee butter on her hair or else she will have a terrible headache. After all that added up oils and the dusty in my country joined together on her clothes over a week, the clothes were always discolored and greasy. I spent about ten minutes to make the soap bubble every time I washed her clothes.
My cousin on the other hand used to play football around the dusty alleys or he would sit nearby and watch other boys play, coming home with all of his clothes being dirty  from the dusty. He also rubbed his hands instead of washing after meals and used sesame oil or butter as a lotion. Even though he did not wear his clothes that long but for few days.
Nevertheless, mine were the only clean ones in the house. I used lotion instead of oil, rarely applied oil on my head and changed my outfits on every three or so days.

Now back to the topic, When I washed my clothes before theirs grandma was displeased and she would just stand near me so I could here her complaints and whine and say "My clothes and the boy's are washed after hers". She intentionally said this knowing that I heard her saying those things to no one but herself. In fact this was her way of telling me that she was not OK with what I was doing and instead of giving the orders she choose to just complain. How can a boss complain in front of his staff instead of giving the orders? Or how can a queen whine in front of her servants and not demand anything from them? Same as how can a parent/ grandparent do that either. They are the bosses after all.
I should be the one whining not her, because all she needed to do was to come and tell me to wash her clothes and the boy;s first and watch her demanded being granted.

What is terrifying about this is the fact that I felt that I was the bad person. It made me feel like I was disrespectful to my grandmother and cousin and that I was mistreating them and it made me even feel guilt for doing it. And the fact that the person who is complaining is in front of me and is the boss who could be the commander not complainer.


9. Play the victim.

You heard that? The perpetrator plays the victim. That is what my granny used to do, no matter the situation she always saw herself as the victim of some sort of a mafia little girl. Because this is what she did whenever her cruel abuse was questioned. She once burned parts of my body and when my mother asked why she did, she turned the table on the other side accusing me of running away and seeking my father's tribe. Blaah. She said that she was the victim and I was the bad girl. This was her response when mother asked why she burned me. At first she tried to point her finger on other things like that I was a wild kid back then, climbed on tree and fell down so as a result I injured myself but then eventually her story was not making any sense so then she turned the table on the other side saying. "I have raised your daughter, I carried her on my back etc, but now look at her she is bigger than a mountain and stronger than an elephant. Now I'm the weaky one who lost an eye and a leg". Look at me, where I'm right now.
What makes this terrifying that it was confusing me back then. I was young uneducated and did not know what was happening to me. So when grandma mistreat me, believed that I was the victim and then granny would start to whine like I'm the one who abused or mistreated her. I got confused of the situation and I would start doing harder while trying to please her since it made me feel like being the bad person but nothing ever changed the fact that she was the one doing wicked abuse and then playing the victim.


10. Blame the victim.

Every wicked and cruel punishment she carried on me, every mistreatment and every abuse she have done she blamed it on me. She treated me as if I made her do what she did to me. For example when she padlock my legs with a five feet long chain she would say to me that if I did not run away, if I stayed and obeyed I would not be chained. And the local kids would not be laughing at me or think that I'm an insane person just for being chained. When she tied me under the trees she would say if I listened and obeyed etc I would not be in that situation. However, no matter how I tried not to make her angry at me she was a toxic person and a someone who did not know how to control their anger so whenever she got angry or disappointed she would do terrible things and then claim that it was my fault that drove her to do it.

What is terrifying about this is that being a grand-kid     of such a person who can't control or manage their anger issues, someone who finds solace in wielding the stick. What is more terrifying is being under the care of that person.


11. Blames women/girls on everything.

In my culture, some of my people believe that women belong at home. this is not only my culture but also religious tenet which puts women and girls indoors while the men go out doors for bread winning or to fend them food and other thing. The only time women and girls are allowed out door is when there is a male guardian accompanies them. My grandmother on the other hand strongly believed this, she shown immense respect to women and girls who rarely went outdoors and she shown  hatred to those who went outdoors often especially unmarried young girls. She believed that the reason they are going out is to wander around the town and attract men which makes them in her mindset prostitutes even if they are virgins she does not care the fact that they went out shows they are wild ladies.
She also blamed some of rape victims just because she doesn't like them or their family and treated them as if they wanted to be raped. For example, one of my distant cousin got raped by five drunk men in the middle of the night. The girl and her friend came from a wedding and were on their way to their homes when they heard the drunk men calling them. My cousin somehow stopped to respond to the perpetrators while the other girl run as fast as she could but my cousin was unfortunate. Even though she was saved and hospitalized as a result. However, in the eyes of my grandmother it was her fault, the fact that she did not run and the fact that she doesn't like my cousin's family.

What is terrifying about this is that I was one of those unmarried young woman who were the devils. And going out doors would eventually end up me bringing home a child out of wedlock according to grandma that would be the result of doing that. or the shame that I might bring by getting raped or whatsoever. She did everything she could to home prison me but I didn't like it and rebelled to have at least one day a week to stretch my legs and walk around to get some fresh air.


12. Told the neighbors not to have me in their houses.

Have you ever seen or heard your guardian telling another person not to welcome or talk to you for no apparent reasons? What kind of grandparent tells neighbors to chase away their grandchild? My granny did that anyways. Whenever she saw me hanging out with my peer whom she disliked or dislike their family she usually used to tell me not to hang out with that person ever again but if I ignore she went to that girl's family and told them. "My granddaughter is crazy, she won't listen to me and she is like a devil's child so if she comes to hung out with your daughter please tell her to leave". She did this because if a toxic person can't control you by themselves they'll do anything to close every door you opened to have your life the way you want and this is her way of doing things just because I ignored her demands to not befriend with a specific person for no reason.  In that situation I did not feel like she was my grandmother but I felt like she was my rival competing me with everything.

What is terrifying about this is that she would do anything to stop me finding friends or hanging out with neighbors or even visiting them. She would say. What is in that house that you are always going to? Are they prostituting you? What else then are you doing there? She would also tell anyone who comes to our home whether they are family, friends, neighbor or even strangers. She would say. She is leaving this house as much as she pleases, she won't listen to me and she is doing whatever she wants. What should I do folk? That was her way of playing the victim after everything she have done.


13. Being accused of sex.

What kind of parent/grandparent could possibly accuse an eight year old girl for prostitution? Granny did that anyways, It started when I was probably seven or eight year old she would pull my pants and do what I believe was inspection. But for what? she would nag me whenever something happens like some of the herds got strayed and she would keep saying that. "How did the animals got strayed? Where have you been? What have you been doing"? Then she would answer herself saying. Oh yeah, you went to the camel herdsmen to fuck you? I don't know why she did such thing as cruel as that but what I think is that it might be something that her own mother used to do and said to my grandmother because she was so obsessed with this kind of disgusting accusations of a crime for such a tiny creature who doesn't even know what sex is. Eventually the reason she burned my genitals has something to do with her obsessions of this kind of behavior of hers.

What is terrifying about this is the fact that an adult should never accuse a child of sexual related behaviors. The fact that she treated me as if I'm the one asking for it. Nothing is more frightening to be accused of something beyond your imaginations and knowledge.


14. The gut-wrenching verbal abuse that would last hours.


Would you say so many unpleasant and hurtful words about someone intentionally knowing that the person is present and can hear you just because you are mad at them? Whenever granny was mad or disappointed and did not want to do physical punishment she would just talk, talk and talk for hours as long as I'm present at the spot and her knowing that I can hear all the gut-wrenching and hurtful words she is saying about me. It was one of her many obsessions that she would say all kinds of hurtful words or even derisively mimic after me something I have said before.

What is terrifying this is that being there hearing all the heart crushing words that are said about you but you are unable to do something to stop or leave the spot. There were times that I didn't have any errands to do to leave the spot where granny was conducting her hurtful verbal abuse. And the fact that the person doing this to you is your guardian who you can't confront physically nor verbally. We were raised to never talk back to our parents, grandparents and great-grands. So all I did was just endure but she would not stop for a long time until she was tired enough or perhaps had a sore throat from talking too much and could not say anymore.


Nonetheless, while everyone justifies her action to her being toxic I'm here questioning her insanity and I still can't understand what she did no matter how I tried to understand nor can I forgive. Sadly my family wants me to just bury everything and forgive for the sake of HEAVEN now that she is dead, but I believe that forgiveness is earned. If  granny wanted my forgiveness she would have asked me  but she didn't think my forgiveness was necessary. Forgiveness is not free stuff  found in everywhere but it's earned.

12 things somali parents should not do to their deaf daughters.

We all have this unique person who is different from the rest of us in our family, and that doesn't mean this person is a sign of bad luck or disgrace to the family since he/she is different from the rest. Its  absolutely OK  to be different because we are all created to be different. Some of us are tall and some of us are short. Some of us are intelligent and some of us are  not. Some of us are optimistic and some of us are pessimists. Some of us are deaf, and some of us are not. Some of us are blind and some of us are not. Sadly many people believe that being disabled is a disgrace or shame to the person and to his family.

I in the other hand feel different from the people around me and that is something I'm used to right now. Why? Because I was not meant to fit in but to be who I'm that is what I'm doing right now(Discovering myself) why am I always different from anywhere I go. This sense of contrast began  as a young age for me. Ever since I was able to remember I was different.

As a young child my family treated me as a different person from the rest of the children in our whole offspring, some times they said I was the only fool, other times they said I was no child of Ismael offspring but devil brought me to them. Other times they said I was a disgrace to the family, they punished me differently and they acted differently towards me. They said different words that they have not said to the other kids and this is what led me to feel like I was different from the rest of the children.

And then I lost my ability to hear and this was a huge impact in my life that made me feel completely different from the rest of my family because since I was already different. Now I was for sure different and it even got worse I was treated even worse but its what made me who I'm today.

Today I feel different almost anywhere I go but I know I'm not meant to fit in so I don't see anything wrong with being different, I go to work and I'm the only deaf employee in the branch that I work, I go to school and I'm the only deaf student in the whole college, I go to my somali community and somehow I'm different whether I'm the only deaf in the presence or the only somali infidel who is not wearing hijab whatever its there is always this sense of difference that I feel. I go to my in-law's family reunions or events and I'm the only dark person or only deaf person. I go to my biological family and as well I'm not the only deaf but also the only family member who is married to a foreign spouse and only family member who left her faith. and lastly I go to deaf community and there is always this sense of difference whether I'm the only deaf who lost her hearing during her teenage or whatever its.

And I find it that being different is not a shame or something that diminishes me or stops me from doing what I want but its something that makes me feel special being different is a unique gift and we should embrace it instead of shaming or belittling those who are different from the rest of us.

From my experience I'll highlight few things that you should never do to your daughter. sister.cousin or a deaf female family member. you may not know how to help them or what to do with a deaf person who needs help with something and you may step on to do things for them thinking you are doing the right thing unknowingly you are somehow not doing them a favor.

1. Never encourage her to hear but accept who they are.

You may hear a rumor that there is a good doctor somewhere that could help your deaf daughter and when you take her  there she decided not to go farther with the procedure of implanting devices to help her hear things.

If she wants to go on with the procedure its up to her but if she decides not to go farther respect her decision and don't encourage  her to rethink about her decisions because in this stage she realized that no matter what device she implants in her head she'll always be a deaf person and in this she decided to accept and  embrace who she is instead of trying to fix herself as if she is a broken glass.
My mother worked hard for several months finding the right doctor to operate me and implant cochlear implant in my head to see if it helps me hear better but when she finally found Mayo Clinic which she thought was the best and the procedure was a week away I told her I'm not going to take the procedure. why? Because the doctor told us that  its likely 50/50 it might work or it might not work at all and I wanted to be sure that what I'm taking was going to work for me because the risk was high as the doctor told me it may cause side effects so  after discussing with some deaf people who had experience with the procedure I decided not to go farther. Why should I take the risk when I can be who I'm with no problems. of course we all want to hear but we have to accept that some of us are not meant to hear at all and that is a gift not something to be ashamed. I used to be ashamed of my disability but as I got educated I accept who I was meant to be.

2. Never discourage her because of her inability to hear.

You may jokingly tell your deaf daughter, sister or cousin that she can't do something because she is deaf. You may not know that but this is hurtful and heart breaking if your daughter wants to do something or want to study something try to help her but if you don't know how to help her try to say something nice or at least say nothing because broken dreams are like broken mirrors it will take her a very long time to put that broken mirror together piece by piece just like how we put our broken hearts together to get over what had broken our hearts and move on.
I'll give you one example of my experience, one day I took my college placement test and I got a good result that I could start my developmental classes to catch up with college. I was so excited and wanted to share the big news with my mom I knew she was not a supportive mother but I thought at least it would show her that I can do my best to achieve my dreams. And when I told her I passed the placement tests and I could take my developmental classes she was like.  What? Your handwriting is really terrible you need to improve your handwriting before you start college. This was heart breaking for me what I don't understand is why should she be talking about my loose handwriting of course even today my handwriting is really, really terrible like I started writing yesterday but this should not be topic to bring up on that moment. so dear parents, siblings and cousins remember when to talk about certain topic and when not to bring up  about certain topics. Know that a deaf person made a great effort to achieve what they want just like anyone else and they need to be congratulated like your other none disabled kids but if you just tell them that they are terrible on this and on that when all they needed you to do was say (CONGRATULATIONS) it breaks their hearts and shatters their dreams and hopes.

3.  Never laugh at her due to misunderstandings.

We find irony on small things and laugh at it, laughing is good but when its about laughing at your  deaf daughter who misunderstood something its NOT OK to laugh at her little mistakes.
Although you may think its funny and its small things that would not hurt her feelings but in fact its a big deal and hurts her feelings deeply. If you must laugh or can't control because we are all humans and sometimes we can't control our laughs try not to laugh in front of her and don't talk about this little comic thing with your friends when she is around.
I'll share one of my many experience to high light this topic. OK, this one night my family and I were sitting under a full moon and the only light we had was the moon light. My cousin started talking about a speeding car he saw a long time ago, I don't know what was so special about this speeding car however my cousin used to talk a lot about this speeding car. I tried read his lips under the moon light since there was no other light. When he said the word GAADHI  which is (car)  in somali language I mistook it as GABADH(lady). So in order to make sure I get what he said. I asked him. Did you say a speeding lady? Everyone burst out  laugh maniacally as if they have never seen a small misunderstanding. I felt angry and embarrassed at the same time but that is not all. My grandma kept repeating that little comic to her friends and other neighbors for weeks, months and years. It felt like she never forgot it. So my advice  is if you must laugh and entertain your friends about a little comic misunderstandings try to do it when your deaf daughter is not there.

4. Never tell her let's go, tell her where you are taking her.

You may think its OK not to tell your deaf daughter where you want to take her no matter how old she is, maybe you are too tired to explain or maybe you don't have time to try to explain things to her because of communication barriers and you just simply tell her.  We're are going out today. You must be dressed at 1 O'clock.
Are you kidding me? you are not kidnapping your own daughter. Are you? Because she is not a puppy to follow you around she needs and have the right to know where you are taking her to.
My experience from this was that majority of the time my mother would rather tell me to be ready on certain time and day and that we had to go somewhere but she would never tell me where to. Even if I asked her where we are going she seldom told me but most of the time she said no more questions, you will know when we get there.
You don't want your deaf daughter to wander around mentally by thinking. Did your family finally got tired of having a disabled daughter? Are they going to get rid of you by taking you far, far away and abandon you there? I did although I was only there by flesh but my mind was in another galaxy wandering around that galaxy and thinking where am I are being taken to? I would be sitting somewhere in a nice building and wandering what is going on why am I here? But there is no one to tell you what is really going on.
If you must take her to a doctor or somewhere else, at least tell her we are going to see a doctor. She will know what is going on.

5. Never do things for her. Let her do with your help.

You may plan to take your teenage deaf daughter to somewhere that concerns her. Instead of doing all the talking and all the work try to let her include by allowing her to talk however easy she can communicate with others, some may speak, some may sign, some may write so if there is not interpreter present try to include her in the work that you are doing for her.
My mother took me to a bank once to open a bank account for me but she just did all the talk, and  all the work but I never got a chance to know what was going on there. I was only there by the flesh. its the same as being in a crowd of people who are speaking other language than yours.

6. Never manage her money. Teach her how to manage it.

You don't want anyone to take care of your own money for you? Would you like to be dependent on someone with your own money? Of course nobody wants that.
So instead of telling your deaf teenager daughter that you'll keep and manage her income, teach her how to do it by herself. Teach her how to open a bank account, how to deposit and withdraw money, how to make budget of what she should pay and what she should save. Its hers not yours so educate her what you can and let her learn how to be an independent person.

7. Never use your child's disability to obtain the means of benefits.

You maybe broke and think its good idea to use your child's inability to hear to get money from the government or from an organization.
This is the worst idea not a good idea at all. Your child feels like you don't love them and you are using their disability to gain benefits for yourself.
I have a terrible experience with this. My mother applied  a job at the county where we lived as a nanny for my siblings so the company thought I was the nanny not the big sister and my mother apparently reaped a lot of money for a year which I never saw. Because my mom said she was going to keep it for me and didn't allow me to put it in a bank.
If you really need money badly ask her permission to use what you need to use and if she says NO then NO means NO.

8. If you don't know how to do something that concerns her. ask her how to do.

Your deaf daughter's work may request her to get CPR certificate but you have no idea where you should call to set an appointment for the CPR lessons. All you have to do is ask her if she knows how because if you are not involved in deaf community you will not know what your deaf daughter needs.
Here is my experience. My mother applied me a job as a nanny for my four siblings but half a year later the job asked my mother to provide a proof of CPR and first aid certificate but my mother did not know where a deaf person should go to get this certificate. So instead of asking me how to get it she just let it go. I told her all she needed was to find a CPR and first aid lesson and ask them to hire a sign language interpreter for me.

9. Never clap or make noises to get her attention.

You may think its easier to just sit back on the couch and clap like you are at a dance party or make weird noises or even bang at the wall with your bare palms just to get your deaf daughter's attention. This is wrong, never clap at her or make any annoying noises to get her attention. there are many ways to get your daughter's attention. Try  flicking  the light  that is near her two or three times, go and gently tap on  her shoulders or try to wave your hands these are effective ways to get a deaf person's attention.
My experience to this is that my mother used to clap, band on the wall or hiss like SSSSSSS to get my attention, I hated this very much but I never said. Mom STOP hissing, banging  or clapping at me.


10. Treat her like she is special.

Many parents belittle their deaf daughters thinking that she is incomplete. Dear parent no human is incomplete, she is not incomplete she just can't hear and that doesn't make her incomplete.
Treat her like she is unique because she is unique and needs your support, acceptance and love to thrive. If you don't know how to teach her something let her go and discover it. Don't pay  all the educational needs to your none disabled children and let your deaf daughter take care of the house and the household chores let her educate and discover because she may not hear anything but she is a human being, she is has a curious nature like any other child  and she is  an adventurous driven to discovering the world.
So in order to educate her let her go out, learn and discover her dreams.
My whole life I was told that I could not do this and that, I could not be this and that due to not only my disabilities but also my gender my faith and my culture but I don't buy that anymore.

11. Let her go out and explore the world.

A deaf person learns better with their eyes because they don't have one of their most important sense so if a person can't hear their eyes become their ears too and they need to go out and discover the world with their eyes.
What I mean is we all know that many somali parents would rather their daughters deaf or not remain at home all time except when they are going to school or have something important to do out doors.
I"m not saying that hearing daughters should stay at home all the time either what I'm saying is that your deaf daughter is special and have special needs, she needs to go out doors and learn things  visually.
My experience to this was that my mother had strict rules that I must be at home unless I have important errands to run or I'm going to school and this was not helping me learn anything, meet anyone and discover the new country which in just come into.
I used to tell her that I was going to do important errands.  I would go out  go learn and social while still under the disguise of doing errands but mom was always texting and asking what I was doing and where I was.
A deaf person learn by visual so let your deaf child go out doors and explore the world with their eyes.



12. Don't dumb your deaf daughter at home. let her have fun too.

Well. Our somali mothers love going to weddings, visiting family or friends and leaving the deaf person at home because of her inability to hear. A deaf person may not hear but that doesn't mean they should be excluded during the fun times like going to weddings and other parties.

My mother only took me once to a wedding because the bride invited me and even if I'm not there to watch the kids she would rather not to take me there with her.







In Somalia deaf people are treated like they are worth less than the other people, the children in the streets throw stones because they think you are incomplete and this is because how the adults treat the deaf people and while the kids are throwing stones to a deaf passersby the parents are there doing nothing. Not teaching their children to respect deaf people because they are a human beings like them just because they can't hear doesn't make them aliens

All those mentioned above are my experience and I believe that there are other deaf females out there who are currently having the same situations right now. I hope this helps them nevertheless if you are having theses situations and are reading this please stand up for yourself and tell your parents not to treat you like how I was treated. Because you don't want to deal what I dealt with  and live how I lived.

Chronicles of MADRASAS

What is madrasa?

Madrasa is a small school intended to teach children about Islam most madrasas are attended by young pupils from  five years and up and the teachers or Ma'alins rent one room to teach so sometimes the room becomes over crowded because they don't limit the number of the pupils to match the size of the room, sometimes the Ma'alins let kids sit outside if there is an area to sit.

Most  Ma'alins are male and usually middle aged, they wield a large stick or their own belts to beat the children who misbehave or those who neglected to memorize the Quran  or those whose family or other pupils reported that have misbehaved during out of the Madrasa times yet they still get punished by the teachers even when  it does not concern the Ma'alins what a pupil did when he/she was out of Madrasa because this is the pupil and his family's problem not the teachers' problem however he still punishes the pupil for what he/she did after Madrasm they are told to recite Quran in a loud voice you could hear their voices from a long distant.

Ma'alin is not your typical teacher that you had in elementary,middle or high school whom you always see smiling, joking, engaging with activities or helping with the studies and helping you with your subjects, he is usually strict with the children, he doesn't smile and he is ready to whip you if you neglect reading and memorizing the Quran (Koran) or the arabic alphabet he doesn't mind if you neglect reading and memorizing other subjects like math, history etc but he cares deeply about whatever that comes with arabic language.

What they do in Madrasa is they open the Madrasas for the pupils and wait for the exact time to start reciting the Koran, they tell the pupils to get in line and the pupil come to the Ma'alins, hand over their Kitabs (Koran book) and they start reciting verses of the Quran that was told to memorize by the ma'alin himself and if the pupil fails he'll be whipped on the butt or on the palms of his hands, some pupils are given time out they are told to sit outside of the class room and they stay there until the Ma'alin calls them, if they go home or anywhere else they get double the punishment, some times the Ma'alins get two of his strongest and biggest pupils or four chubby little men and orders them to hold a pupil's arms and legs then he whips the poor kid's butt, other times he tells the pupils to lay on the hot sandy during the hottest days and they lay there until he gives an order and then they are given second chance to memorize the verses again and recite it tomorrow. but if he passes and recites all of the verses correctly he is lucky and gets new verses for tomorrow and also they  get some arabic alphabets written on their books or on the black board and white chalk.

Young pupils are more afraid of their Ma'alins than they do of their own parents for example a young boy is enjoying  foot ball play on a dusty street with other local boys or sitting on a corner and watching other boys play soccer but then all of sudden he spots his Ma'alin nearby he then runs away or hides, or a six year old girl is standing outside her home without hijab and she spots her Ma'alin and she runs to hide because he'll punish them when they come to the Madrasa the next day.

However this is not why I'm writing this article, I'm writing this article because of some terrible experiences in  various Madrasas that I have attended back in Somalia.

My first madrasa was quite fancy it was located in the middle of a big city the building was big enough and students were not that big number and we sat on benches instead of plastic mats and there were two Ma'alins, the boys' room was separated from the girls so I never saw the boys or their room and there is nothing much to tell about this marvelous Madrasa but there is one thing that is different from the others the Ma'alins never whipped us I don't know if they whipped the boys but not the girls.

My second madrasa was also big one but very poor there were no fancy benches unlike the previous we sat on plastic mats of course the building was big enough for all of us it was a four bedroom house but the interior walls that divided the rooms were removed so it was like a mini warehouse with a kitchen and a bathroom in the back however we were not allowed to go to the back even not to use the bathroom.

The boys and girls were separated but we were still in same mini warehouse but on separate corners it was couple blocks from my home I would wake up in 5AM, brush my teeth, wash for Fajr prayer,pray and then I would make injera our usual breakfast pancake and tea after that I would change, grab my Kitab,notebook, a pencil in a stripped plastic bag  and head to the Madrasa.

In this new Madrasa there were two Ma'alins but they never come together only one would come to open the Madrasa for the pupils and head back to the Masjid that was within a block, the pupils would flood into the madrasa and wait till one of the Ma'alins come but we had what we called a Kabiir. Kabiir is usually the oldest of the pupils who supervises the other pupils so they don't fight,  bully or do anything stupid his name was Abdirahman and he was probably 15 years old he would slow pace around the boys corner and told those who spoke to shut up and those who moved to go back on your spot or those who didn't listen to him to whipped them with his belt and if they didn't obey him he reported to the Ma'alins but for girls he never came to our corner but if one of us did not obey when he gave us an order he wrote down our names and passed it to the Ma'alins and the Ma'alin punished us for being disobedient.

The Madrasa was not that bad at first but then arose a bully squad, the kabiir had three other siblings two boys and a girl named Khadra, she was older than I and she was mean at first a nice person or I thought was because she smiled when she looked at me but perhaps I was just a former shep-herder who couldn't tell the body language like is it a mocking smile or is it a kind smile who knows. Khadra was an arrogant and big headed just because her older brother is the kabiir she thought they had control over all of us the other pupils and she was mean and bully along with her brothers including the kabiir himself.  

One day I was sitting on a corner of the girls area and I was as usual sitting alone with no friend because I didn't know anyone personally except my cousin in the boys area, I spred my legs to stretch myself and I was enjoying being alone undisturbed until the worst come, Khadra saw an opportunity when I stretched my legs she sneaked behind me without making any attentions to me or the other pupils she then came back and pretended she was stepping over my spred legs but then she intentionally stumbled herself on the floor and when everyone's eyes were on the  poor Khadra who was laying on the floor she accused me of spreading my legs with the intention to trip  her over but I have spred my legs before she stood up and sneaked behind everyone but who cares nobody is going to say anything even if the other pupils were aware of her deceitful lies they don't want to get involved.

Khadra threatened me and said she was going to make me pay for what I did to her, but this was what she wanted all those smiles where not a kind person's smiles they were a bully's mocking smiles. The other girls joined her and they started verbal bullying so I moved to another corner that was far from them until the Ma'alin came and we recited the Quran. After the Madrasa was over we all went to our homes it was almost noon I walked with a next door neighbor called Yurub along with Khadra and her bully minions, Khadra came to me and asked. Why did you made me trip over when we were in the Madrasa?

Why did I? before why the question is .Did I made  her trip over? well, I'm not usually the kind of person who argues when I know the person did what they did intentionally/What is there to argue with her now. I stayed silent because that is what I used to do back then, when she didn't get an answer she grabbed the back of my hijab where a thick knot of my hair were and forcefully threw me on the dusty ground, I stood up still silent and undusted my clothes because it was the best way because arguing with her will only give her opportunities to carry more bullying and well her little bully minions were laughing and mocking me calling me coward but I still smiled and went by.
Yurub the next door neighbor stood up for me and told Khadra to leave me alone because she was not going to give up her bully she thought she found the right person to practice bullying before Khadra said a word her minions were all over Yurub and since Yurub was the tallest in the class they could not reach her head so they pulled her hijab from left to right and from right to left and Yurub pleaded me to help her but I didn't know what to do its not that I was afraid of them but I never went to fight to a human being I didn't how to approach someone, how to punch or kick or even slap that was to me for adults only, not after I saw what those siblings have done to an innocent boy once, one day the the siblings were late and there was also a new pupil a bit younger than the kabiir and he seemed to be new to class because we have not seen him before and since the kabiir was late he must have took the duty himself. When the kabiir, Khadra and the other siblings came to the class the kabiir confronted the boy asking him who gave him the permission to be a kabiir. Abdirahman was as arrogant and stupid as his sister was and he was also bully although he was much older than the pupils he bullied his peers. there was a heated argument and the boys stepped outside to wrestle however Abdirahman was older and stronger so he won the fight but he kept beating the boy so badly and although he won the wrestling his stupid siblings were also beating the boy too, and he was screaming for help as we all stood in the front of the Madrasa watching like as if it was a wrestling ring, nobody wanted to get involved in the fight its not because their teacher might think they were aiding the kabiir but also nobody wanted to get in the siblings way, it felt like the new pupil's fate put him in the mouths of four tigers to share his flesh and eat him alive. I have never seen the boy again and Abdirahmaan did not get punished by the Ma'alin. Of  course I feared that if I said or fought back I would be like that boy we were over 40 pupils and none stood up for him even if Abdirahmaan was too old for us to stop  nobody stopped the other siblings from beating him too he was  one against four and I didn't want to be in that position I would rather be silent the bullies might eventually get bored and find someone new to bully.

I didn't say anything about the incident to my grandmother its not that I didn't think it was not that important it was because she will be yelling at me and blaming me for not fighting back or for not speaking up for myself. What is the point then if I'm going to be yelled and called coward by my own family. However Yurub broke the news to grandma which she did as I expected and after she finished her hurtful words she asked Yurub to take her to her Khadra's home and apparently my grandma humiliated me in front of my bully telling her what she wanted to hear. Grandma told Khadra's mother. My granddaughter just came from nomad, she doesn't know how to fight she is just a mere shep-herder who knows nothing about city live. Well thank you grandma because this is why Khadra targeted me at the beginning and its why she doesn't want to give up bullying me even thought my grandma reported her to her mother and also to the Ma'alin Khadra continued her bully.

Another day I was alone walking in the neighborhood looking  for our  strayed goat when Khadra came out of thin air she was on her way to return borrowed shoes, when she saw me walking she came straight to me and without saying a word she started  a whole lot of punches,kicks,slaps and pulling, I didn't lift a finger to defend myself so when she got tired she left on her own will. I keep asking myself why would she do beat me without giving me a reason. Was I paying for reporting her bullies to her mother. well if that is the case then thank you grandma again for this too, but this one is a secret I only carry now.

The boys in the Madrasa also bullied my cousin too its kind of my fault because I told him to disobey the kabiir by saying Ala mayee awoowow its a kind of a joke word that tells the commander that you disobeyed him instead of responding (yes sir) when he orders you to shut up or do something, after he said ala mayee awoowow the boys laughed and called him awoowow (grandpa) I felt guilt for that but also it helped me because when the boys bullied my cousin and called him awoowe he hated it and he throw insults  also he threw stones at them which did not end well, after that grandma changed our Madrasa and we never saw the bully Khadra and her minions.

The new Madrasa was very small smaller than one bedroom it was a small corrugated iron sheet room with one tiny window and a door, this Ma'alin didn't have a kabiir or needed one because he was in the room from the opening to the closing  for a while my cousin and I attended the Madrasa in the mornings but later transferred to afternoon with the older women this Ma'alin was a busy man he taught children in the mornings and afternoons also at early afternoon he taught women the subjects were always the same Qran and arabic alphabets, however the Ma'alin was paid one month to teach me how to read and write somali language and that where I learned it from.

During one of our regular afternoon ladies class time I came to the class before the Ma'alin come. we set up and class and divide the room with a large curtain so the Ma'alin can sit the other side of the room behind the curtain that day when I came to the class there was a fight between two of the lady students one was Hayat and the other was Saynab apparently they were fighting because the previous day Hayat lost her notebook and when she asked the students if they saw a notebook Saynab gave the book to her with a smile but Hayat didn't notice anything, after Hyat went to her home and tried to read some of verses of the Quran that was written in the notebook for her because she was a slow learner and basic and needed to learn how to read Quran alphabetically until she masters it.

Hayat's notebook was written some nasty words saying that she is such and such slut, the culprit who wrote the book swore they saw Hayat doing what she is being accused of in fact the culprit didn't see anything but she is being a jerk, mean and stupid. But who is it? So Hayat suspects the reason that Saynab was smiling yesterday when she gave the book to her was because she wrote those nasty insults and confronted with her which ended with a physical fight. 

The Ma'alin arrived shortly while the heating was still ongoing, he asked what is going on. in which Hayat passed the page of the notebook to him telling him this will tell you what happened after he read the book he asked us who wrote it but nobody claimed it so he conducted a test to find the real culprit. he asked  Hayat to give the list of the ladies that were sitting close to her and when she did he asked us each to write an alphabet letter one that he picked up himself and we wrote as he asked us to. When it was my turn he asked me to write the letter K and I did. As soon as I passed the sheet under the curtain he threw me killer questions like. Why did you write those bad things on Hayat's notebook? What made you do it? Why? and what?. I admit I was scarred its scary to be accused to what you have not done and for me its what I hate the most, I told him it was not me, I didn't write any book sir. I was told that I don't need to defend myself because my own hand writing is proof enough to convict me to writing that nasty words on Hayat's notebook and he would not leave me alone with his killer questions of Why? and what? I felt powerless, I have told him its not me and I wrote no book but he won't believe me and he was acting like as if I was some kind of lowlife who would do something like that.

I went home to see if grandma could settle things and I knew it would not help that much unless someone come forward and claim that they wrote the letter but I still had to try he would listen to grandma better however as usual my grandma was the kind of person who would humiliate and embarrass me while trying to help me and instead of settling things down with the Ma'alin she told him I'm ready to cut Asma into two piece if she is the culprit but all I need is an eyewitness. Well this was even worse to me because I needed her to be my side not to side with everyone so once again I had no one to be my side and help me get through the worst day ever.

And my biggest fear was what if the real culprit who wrote the book come out as my witness and accuse me of writing the book and then the case would be simply closed and grandma will be doing her turn to do and say more hurtful things because I already had enough of it fortunately that didn't happen Saynab's sister Asad had a brilliant idea and told my grandma to ask the Ma'alin to do more tests and test all of the lady students not just only those who were sitting close to Hayat and he did but still no luck. But what about those who are absent today? nobody was aware that someone was absent. Then the Ma'alin dug an old case about during my morning class that was almost a year ago well he had a good memory anyway. The letter was writen by a girl named Hamdi and the mastermind was another named Nimo. Nimo wanted to pass probably a love letter to couple big boys that were sitting in the opposite corner of the room however she didn't write it herself instead she asked Hamdi to write and begged her to write it after Hamdi finished Nimo then again asked Hamdi to pass the letter which Hamdi refused and said I wrote the letter as you begged me to now either you pass it  yourself or I'm going to tear it, Nimo then asked a little boy sitting in the middle of the room please give this to those boys. Pointing her forefinger to a tall skinny guy along with a chubby short one but the kid was too smart and knew something was not right passing love letters in a Madrasa was wrong and he called the Ma'alin using his loudest voice Ma'alin I have a letter given to me by that girl. Pointing his finger to Nimo. He continued, Ma'alin she asked me to pass it to those boys pointing his finger to the big boys in which the Ma'alin asked him to give the letter in him instead so the love letter ended up in the wrong hands.

Now the girls started to argue Nimo trying to pin the letter to Hamdi and Hamdi defending herself by saying. The Ma'alin said if someone pleads you to do something in the name of Allah then do it for them and since you pleaded in the name of Allah I'll tell the Ma'alin that and another girl Hani saying. the letter was written with my pen so I'll  ask the Ma'alin if I share the sin for borrowing my pen however the Ma'alin talked to only Nimo and told her not to write letters in the Madrasa.

But the question is why did the Ma'alin bring back this old love letter and accused me of writing it too? He told my grandma and all the lady students in the class that I wrote a letter to some boys in the madrasa long time ago. Well if his memory were that good to remember the letter why are not they they good enough to remember who wrote it? Was he doing this to end the case and convince everyone I did it or was he simply just confused and forgot who wrote it? I can't tell what his intentions were but I didn't say anything about the old letter not while I'm still the accused suspect proven by one letter that matched those on the notebook. The class was almost an end and my grandma still didn't have an eyewitness nor the Ma'alin have other suspects or proof and the things were not bearing any fruits.

But ten minutes before the class was supposed to end there came the only one lady who was absent during the day, I was sitting in front of the Madrasa ashamed to look anyone because of the unfair accusations and heated questions from the 

Ma'alin burying my head  down on my knees and grandma sitting near still waiting a mysterious eyewitness to stand up and say. Oh Asma is the culprit, I saw her write Hayat's book yesterday. Fortunately someone finally broke the long day silence. It was Samira the only eyewitness who saw when Hayat is book was written and knew who did it but she stayed silent. The reason is that the real culprit was Nimo who was absent all this time but come to the class ten minutes before the end and Samira understandably feared if she accused Nimo while she is away things may not go well for her. 

So Samira calls the teacher and says. Ma'alin I know who wrote Hayat's book.

Ma'alin. Who was it? Speak up.

Samira. It was Nimo.

Ma'alin. Both of you step outside.

The Ma'alin, Nimo and Samira joined me and grandma in front of the Madrasa and the Ma'alin asked. Nimo. Is it true? but Nimo claimed Samira and she wrote it together however Samira denied any involvement and now the culprit was only Nimo. Apparently Nimo and I were not only friends but also we shared same hand writing. I admit that was good to know.

At the end of the day the Ma'alin just apologized with a lame excuse that because my handwriting matched Nimo's that it was unlikely his fault that I went through the terrible day filled with false accusations, humiliations. embarrassments and killer questions that I had no answers for.

I was not even relived when the real writer was found all I felt was anger and frustration because I have been crying and sitting in front of the Madrasa more than  two hours with no support, comfort and treated like as if I was invisible and couldn't feel hurt at all. I told my grandma that I didn't write the love letter that I was being unreasonably accused of and the next day she took Hamdi to the Ma'alin as a witness that I didn't write that letter either, I still felt no relieve all I wanted was to punch him in the face.