The long letter that I sent to uncle

Uncle, I have something to say to you I could say it after the dinner but I wanted to talk to you only at first so I just nodded of whatever was said during our brief meeting.

As you know in my childhood I was in nomad with ayeeyo (grandma) the only thing I liked in nomad that kept me alive was the herds especially the lambs and the goat kids  we always formed a great human-animal  bonding   that I never had with any human being, I used to chase them around, talk to them, laugh at them when they munch the grass, carry them, kiss them, snuggle them and comfort myself  with their soft fur. I may blamed them whenever I get hurt, whipped them, cursed them, and hurt them as revenge but I always  loved being around them more than being around human.

And as I grew I come to realize that I had no relationship with human being, not grandma, not uncles, not aunt, not cousins no one just the animals I was always alone with them hungry,tired, thirst, we went long journeys everyday for pasture, we rested under big Acacia tree shade during the noon,then we marched to home together, I drunk their milk, I ate their meat, I rubbed their butter on my rough and dry  skin.

Now let's change the subject. When it come to people they were always nagging,yelling,cursing,beating,letting me starve all day,throwing things on me, bounded me under trees or inside our hut, burned my body for no reason, always accusing me of  sexual assault, calling me fool/nerd, humiliating me around other people who are not my family, chained my ankles together and forced me  to keep herding the animals and who do you think these are?

They're the only people I would call family grandma being the number one or  the mastermind or gives the permission to whoever wants to hurt me, uncles being the mama's boys, aunt being always grandma's side and the cousins being the spoiled brats and that is my nomad life.

After we moved to Burao I was hoping life would get better since the animals were not there I thought the abuse would get better but nothing changed. And as you know I have been running away for years because I didn't feel safe in the place where I once called home I was beaten constantly, I was tied under tree and left there in hours, half day or all day which I  once almost lost my wrists, I was chained like a hobbled camel several solid months of not having one single break day from it and I had to endure the sound of the clanging chain tied from my ankles to my waist as the chain was too long for my tiny ankles, I slept with it, I ate with it, I bathed with it,I herded the animals with it and everybody stared at me some walked faster past me while some stood there and stared, some dared to come to me and ask me am I  mentally ill, some assumed I'm crazy person and left.

And one afternoon I was with the maqal the  lambs and the goat kids when granny spotted the maqal but not me, she  came to the maqal and saw me sitting near them, talking with Ayaan Ahmed Umal Ogle however she took the maqal home and I knew something was wrong so I didn't go after her instead I asked Ayaan to take me to her home and give me water as I was thirsty  after I drunk the water her mother told Ayaan's sister Asia to take me home and I went with hoping granny might  cool down and forgive me because I did nothing wrong the maqal were unharmed and they were close to me when granny took them. However after Asia brought me to granny she secretly gestured to  Asia to hold me for her and then the next thing was after Asia disappeared she called cousin Amina to get her a rope and a burning fire wood, once Amina brought the things  she bounded my arms together on my back, knocked me at the ground, pulled off my pant and burned both  sides of my pussy between the thigh  joints  and labia majoras, the pant was put on back and I was tied under a nearby tree were I spent the next  several hours but there was one disaster during the burn a burning charcoal broke off from the wood and it remained inside my butt cheeks were it burned during the stand up hours until it shut itself off I stood there in the whole evening scared of the  desert Lions, hungry Hyenas, Leopards, Snacks or whatever would love my  little flesh, I waited, waited and waited for someone to come and set me free so I could at least take the charcoal off but nobody come uncle kayse and Abdillahi Yussuf joined and after dinner tea party started with laugh and chat so it took hours until Kayse realized that I was not there and questioned my presence and he is the one who sent Amina to free me but ordered to tie me under the hut in the whole night until tomorrow so he could cut me into two pieces fortunately she didn't so I slept hungry and suffering from the untreated burn and the next day Amina was told to take me with the herds untreated the heat was terribly hot and the burn got worse which I couldn't even walk with it that is when Dhool Ahmed's daughter in-law faadumo  told Amina to tell granny do treat the wounds.

Or that day when Granny ordered Kayse to tie me inside the hut and everybody left with the herds the rope was too tight, too painful, my wrists swell, felt numb and senseless, I could not sit or lay down because the rope was tied above my head and all I could do was stand, so from 9AM to 5PM I was standing inside the hut screaming for help but there were  no one to come to  help, just to simply help, then at noon finally Ayaan came, I begged her to give me water, but what she gave me was not enough and there was no water at home, but then kayse comes while I was begging Ayaan which he slapped, kicked and told me if I say another word he'll cut me into pieces and that Ayaan was better than me so I must not say her name from my filthy  mouth again, then he took a large cub of ciir milk with few table spoons of sugar and went  to the Acacia tree next to the hut where Ayaan and granny joined nobody came to check on me or seemed concerned and I could not say a word because Kayse will beat me and an hour later  everybody left again. When I was finally free my arms were double in size, my wrists  skin removed  and today I still bear the last scar and the next day local kids were bullying me because I had no arms to defend myself, no hand to eat, no hand to clean after bathroom.

Granny and Osman held knives on my throat threatening me that they'll slaughter me, Kayse used to put his feet with  his thorny shoes on my head and he used to beat me whenever,wherever and however he wishes, he used to catch me when I run away from granny who was always wielding a large stick to whip me, and my cousins including Amina and Ayaan did their part in all of the terrible abuses. Amina had strangulation habits and one day I almost fainted because she went too far while strangling me or Ayaan being the bad cousin who always accused me of everything she did or told  grandma lies  to get me grounded.

The only ones I felt safe being around  was  you and aunt Farhiya, somehow I lost trust  with Farhiya later in life as she chose to only be on granny's side, no matter how unfair or wrong grandma was, she always supported her, so I lost hope from in trusting her and as you remember whenever grandma yelled, cursed or tried to nag me you always stopped her and she really listened you very well and that's one reason I always felt safe around you unfortunately I feel like being bad luck, because I never spent a lot of great times around  you,  it was always short visits  then sadly  you were gone in a week or less.

But all those times I only had hope that kept me being alive and that was I thought I had a lovely mother somewhere that I'll meet someday however that nightmare was shattered during our brief meeting in Ethiopia in 2007 but I still had another hope and that was if I come to the States there would be no more abuse somehow that was a fool's nightmare when the first abuse started within the 2nd week of my arrival call it a welcome abuse after that my life was only babysitting, doing home chores and going to school and when I was at home not babysitting I buried myself in my room because there was no one I could talk mom didn't like talking to me and the kids were driving me crazy around they were too young to make friend and since I had no friend because I was a home prisoner there was no one to talk, when I was depressed, when I was sad, when I was angry, when I was frustrated, when I was hurt, nobody was there to care  about me not mom or step father. When things are bad between me and my mother my mother  never come to solve our dispute, I don't know if it's that she doesn't want to talk to me or that she doesn't know how to solve our dispute as a mother and daughter instead  she always run to Abdirahman or the neighbors  to convince me and settle down the dispute so Abdirahman was our counselor during that time I hated everybody at home the kids for being so stubborn and brats, Abdirahman for only solving the current dispute not the up comings  in the future dispute, and mom for not being the mother she  needed to be, standing up for her daughter in an abusive situation, yes it may be our culture, but that doesn't make it right or correct in anyway.

However I still had One last hope that kept me alive, and it was that I would get married and leave them,  as time passed I realized, that If I marry a somali man nothing would get better, so I had to see the other side and this is what led me to marry Adam. It's not only, because I love him it's also I feel safe around him I feel supported instead of judged, shamed I feel respected, loved and cared for, by him and his family and I have never felt like that, not by anyone in the Ismail family.

During the brief visit you and mom asked me to stay in touch with the family I wanted to speak with you, but Adam is still learning sign language and he couldn't interpret and mom was here so I decided to just nod saying OKAY, so I chose to send you this long email.

You said to forget everything in the past and move on with a new life, well let me say it's not really that easy to simply forget the past, and move forward with a new life past is what makes the history, and what happened in the past will always be remembered, in my situation, you asking me to erase a book and write a completely new one because it's in my heart, not just my mind. Whenever I think of Granny I see her as the only person that I once used to call ayeeyo, who had no little human feelings for me I mean only me. The question is, why was I different? yes different, from the other Ismail offspring? granny raised Mohamed, Nimo,Amina,Ayaan and Abdifatah beside me and none of them went through what I went through not my generations just me so in my heart there is no Granny I don't know what should I call but I can't call her granny she didn't earn love from me and I'm sorry to say it but I really can't pretend what I'm really not and I can't cut off my heart and put a new fresh heart so I can love and forgive her or cut of my brain so I can forget the past I can't abti but I can life with it forever it's who I'm it's my story and everybody have a story too.

But for now if you want me to be part of Reer Ismail I can be, but under one condition, and only ONE condition, I want everyone to stop abusing kids it includes FGM, beating, forcing the kids to do something that they don't want something that is against their Will, forcing them on  marriage,honor killing of course reer Ismail value family honor a lot more than valuing your child that's why grandma hurt me so inhumane and this is what mom is doing now however I can't be that daughter who will do everything for the family's name and if my mother chooses the honor of her forefathers over me  then I can't be that daughter so the only option is disown me I'll be just the lost girl forever.

I'm not  making  or giving rules, I'm setting healthy boundaries, I have suffered enough pain and I don't want to be around people who make me fear them and where I don't feel safe. I don't want to remember those horrible memories and most of all, I will not let Juliet grow up in that environment, with those kind of people,  I couldn't and can't talk to mom about this because we never had a good relationship and I know she will never listen to me, so if you could talk to her about this that would be great, and please tell her that before I met her, grandma used to say your mother is toxic than me and she would not have  you in a day she would slaughter you at the moment she sees you and now whenever I look at my mom I remember those words I mean their toxicity  is similar but granny was more fearless, more cruel  with no  sympathy for me.

Anyway I'm not yet recovered from the trauma in my life, and I don't know when will I recover, I might never recover, but in my life now, after being mentally, physically, verbally and emotionally abused in the past I can't continue taking more of this and that's why I run away from mom during the winter 2013 and it's why I wore my old dress which I bought months before my engagement, it's why I didn't have the wedding every girl dreams of because I wanted a family who loves, cares, supports and understand me and that is Adam and his family my wedding dream dead because it was either I had to wait him to save up money few more years to have my dream wedding and live in that horrible abusive place or wear my old normal dress and get out of that place. I was never happy in any of my family's home not with granny, not with mom, not with Kayse no where but nobody cared whether I was happy or unhappy, or what makes me happy or unhappy.

I wish there was a time machine so I could go back and undo whatever happened but there is none and this is and will always be part of me so instead of blaming me for everything, I mean EVERYTHING include the running away, include cutting the contact with the family and forgiving them to me forgiveness is not bought  or  free it's earned. Could you forgive that person who put your flesh on  fire and never looked back until the neighbors told to do so? Could you forgive that person who bounded your arms at 9AM and never looked back till the evening? Could you forgive that person who come toward you angry when you finally come home from herding the animals all day hungry, thirsty and exhausted and instead of being proud who unzipped your pant, pulled it down, opened your labia minoras with her thumbs and looked around the vagina as if she was examining something then  walked away without saying a word about it? the list goes forever  those I mentioned are not the only what happened they're the examples and the most unforgettable. I'm just saying Ayeeyo didn't earn forgiveness from me and if mom takes the same path grandma did then she'll lose my forgiveness too.

I'm working on a way to live with all the past memories in a way that it doesn't sabotage my future so if reer Ismail want me to be part of them then change should come from them I need a supportive family it doesn't mean support me for whatever bad or good I did or do it means I need a family who is there for me when I need them, who cares about each other not just only me but every family member, a family who understands why I did or do something and why things happened, a family who is committed to each other not a family who stick to cleanse their forefathers name to honor them, I need a family who is encourageous , a family who is not afraid of  what other people say about them or don't mind what the world think about them, a family who wants what is best for me not a family who wants what is best for themselves, I need a family who respect what I believe not a family who wants to force me to believe, I need a family who shows love not a family who says YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW I FEEL FOR YOU. And this is the only way I can be around and I don't expect that change will occur very soon but if they really want to change then they have to find a way to make things better but if nobody is willing I can't make them change better.

I'm planning to move on and become an artist but I can't have a family who will bush me around telling me drawing living thing is against their faith so I must not do, I want to became a writer and I can't have a family yelling at me asking why I shared my personal stories or family secrets etc, I was never treated  like someone worthy of something only the crazy little girl who doesn't even remember what she ate last night, in my whole life I was told to be like my somali peers who had husbands, children and run their own families but now for being a wife and mother I feel like I missed so many things  my none somali peers are teachers, professors, doctors, famous billionaires, space engineers, musicians, and so on but I missed all of them I have no talent, I lost my self esteem very long time ago and I don't know if I can gain  it back.

When it come to my father he abandoned me I don't know the reason my parents divorced, the reason he gave me away, the reason he never come looking for me.I lived in his back yard North Somalia his trip would take a day but he never cared about me and now he wants me to bond a wonderful father-daughter relationship but this is not going to happen, I'm not asking him to explain why he never come looking for me or why he threw me away I just want him to understand how I felt being abandoned and I'm not taking revenge I'm just teaching him lessons so he don't do this to the other kids, about mom I know she risked her life when she took a boat  from the port city of Berbera to Sana'a Yemen and then from middle east to America and it's not an easy journey I wish to know the story but I know one thing that she experienced so many obstacles, hardships and faced so many brick walls to break through but this doesn't make me feel loved, cared or supported and it never was, I'm grateful that she worked so hard to bring me here and I know that she blames herself for now since I left Islam and cut the contact but bringing me to America is not the problem I was never a true muslim I was wearing the hijab because everybody wore it and I never fasted full month of Ramadan, or prayed because I never loved the faith and as the Quran said to be a true muslim love your God, your prophet, the quran and love everything about it but I never liked a bit of it, I prayed so grandma would not keep yelling,cursing and telling everyone that I don't pray, I did it to keep her quiet and wore hijab as well for her.but none of it was from my heart and now I can't life pretending what I'm not actually so if my mom thinks disowning me for leaving Islam is the only solution it's not, it won't bring me back to the religion again it will only ruin everything.

Sorry about the long email I always wanted someone in Ismail family to talk about this but nobody was listening I hope you'll read this email not skip half of it because I talked crab about my family but it's important to me, and know that I'm not taking revenge of what happened to me and I don't hate anybody but I hate what they did and I hate it that they're still doing it the abuse it's  cultural norms to them but not to me anymore I used to beat my sisters, my brother and my younger cousins because I thought it was normal and this is what every abused child thinks. my last word is that I can't forget and forgive because those things are swirling on my mind all the time when I'm sitting on the bus, at work, watching movie, reading books, or whatever I'm doing I find myself being absent minded during the flashbacks my eyes staring blank space unblinkingly  motionless and  my mind gone back to the times it happened and I feel like it happened yesterday. How will I forget? I'm saying that I can life with it with your support and understandings but if my family thinks I'm playing a game and plays their part then it will get worse. I was never told I love you not mom, not granny, not uncles, not aunt not cousins non in reer Ismaciil so today I don't know how to love parents my dad was never there so was mom but when we finally met instead of getting to know each other and building a relationship it was all about fight and I always felt unwanted and I used to ask myself why was I born? Why was I  raised? I used to ask myself who am I? Why is the whole country so cruel? however there was never an answer. Mom never called me daughter or hooyo whatever you call I don't know if she think I'm too old  to be loved or if it's that she have no love for me who knows, I just need a mother not a caretaker. You know how envious I'm whenever I see mother and daughter who are  not even like mother and daughter but like best friends.

don't want the girls to be circumcised Gudniin because it's horror our bodies are made for purpose and cutting children's body parts  alive will haunt them always just like it haunts me.
And tell her that I know that she blames Adam for me leaving the faith, not wearing Islamic dress and not contacting to them just know that it's not his decision, it's mine we're not married for religion or purpose we're married because we love each other and we respect each other he is still muslim and I'm not our believe doesn't bother us so instead of blaming someone or finding excuses know that people are and will never be the same, we learn something then we change, good people become bad people and bad people become good people because we're human and humanity is not perfection. I might be the first infidel, Ismail offspring who married ajnabi and completely changed as if she slept and woke up being completely a new person I mean I changed so quick it's not that because I sacrificed my  worldly dreams for my family yet they were never satisfied with me. You know when you spent your entire youth hood in a prison and now you're finally free like a bird flew out of it's cage you feel like you have very little time to catch up the world that's why I changed within a year.

The color of my parachute

I remembered back during my senior year of  high school in  2010 my Dr Deborah asked me what I want to be in the future or  my dream career  and I  was like. What career? I  have no idea, she then  wrote down  name of a book on a  paper sticker  and  told me  go to the library. the name was "What color is your parachute", She told me it might   give me suggestion  of the career that suits me  I took the  paper sticker  to the library,  handed it to the librarian and she pulled it from a shelf not far from where I was standing. I brought the book home and started scrolling the pages and reading the memes on the pictures  and returned it without even reading one entry or even a title sorry Dr Deb it wasn't as helpful as you thought.

Then I found myself reading romance books completed some and others returned unfinished but as I got a job and had class to attend  I didn't have plenty of  time to read the books and returned them unfinished I wanted my very own books to read them any minute I get  until I  finish them   so  one day I was walking in Target store around the book aisles  to find an interesting story book, after checking few shelves I found Khaled Hosseini's novel " And the mountains echoed". I thought it would be an interesting story I didn't check if it was biography or  novel I assumed it was a biography book and it would be much interesting since the writer's name is a muslim man's name, because I love reading biography those books tell us real events than fictions or novels that are made up and I love reading and learning where  the struggle began, where the journey led them and finally where the victory landed them. Not every story have happy ending meaning no victory at all.

I read the book few pages and it was all novel a made up stories that never existed damn I wasted my $$$$$, I threw it under my bed and I said never mind I'm not going to find a good book for me then all of sudden one bored afternoon as I was sitting on my bed my laptop on my lap I was googling things when I encountered  an article mentioning Ayaan Hersi Ali I have heard of her when I was in Somalia around 2006, I read an article in somali language saying a somali guy vowed to kill Ayaan Hirsi if he sees her. You know what I have a cousin named Ayaan Hirsi but instead of Ali hers is Jama so after I read the article I went to my aunt cousin Ayaan's mother and told her look at this article and read the article for her but didn't explain who is she and why does she deserve to die and later 2009 I saw her on interviews talking about Islamic extremism I was deaf and didn't hear what was said either understood the caption I was new english learner so I don't know what she said or what  the interview was about. But as I read articles from websites or blogs belonged by muslim community I took the wrong side just like most muslims saw her as  a bad person but in fact I was wrong I misjudged because I have not yet read her stories or knew what she went through I just took what was said about her that she is a lair who made up the whole story and traded her faith for profit.

In that boring afternoon I told myself I have to buy one of her books and read it it'll be much interesting to read, I went to Barnes and Noble, bought her first book Infidel  then I found myself falling into the memoirs, went going to the Barnes and Noble  any chance of free times I  purchased 5 female authored  memoirs so far such as.

 Ayaan Hirsi Ali's "Infidel and Nomad". From Islam to America.

Gretchen Berg's "I have Iraq in my shoe". Misadventures of a soldier of fashion.

Zarchuna Kargar's "Dear Zari". The secret lives of the women of Afghanistan.

Geraldine Brooks's "Nine parts of desire". The hidden world of Islamic women. And I'm looking forward of more memoirs, I do much relate with Ayaan's story Well Ayaan's story wasn't only interesting but also it was enlightening how she struggled with the abusive family especially grandmother then the forced marriage, escaping to the Netherlands where she struggled to obtain  residence  then leaving Islam, criticizing it, the death of Theo Van Gogh  who shot the film Submission with her then all of the death threats, and now being in hiding.

We had  much similar upbringings  it means that we were born in same city, we both grew up in nomad/ herds girls, we had much related grandmothers who were always cursing, beating, nagging, praising  the forefathers/bloodlines, who compared us nothing but failures, grannies who favored boys over girls, grannies who violated and controlled our bodies while our mothers were alive especially Ayaan's her mother was there with her for example when Ayaan's grandmother brought a female genital cutter without her daughter's permission and cut Ayaan's genitals as Ayaan mentioned in her book there were arguments between her mother and grandmother about the FGM and then all of sudden her grandmother played the victimization  by claiming that she did the right things for her daughter then left the family all Ayaan's mother could do was convince her mother to come back home as similar to me as a kid  my lower body parts were burned due to unexplained reasons little less than  a decade I told my  mother about it I can't believe nobody told her in those years and the first time mom asked grandma why she did. she lied at first claiming that I climbed a tree, fell down and branch scratched me  but then all she  could do was the victim play, I raised your daughter, I carried her in my back, I fed her and I did everything to make her who she is today. You see she is bigger and stronger than a  mountain but I'm here weak and everyday I grow weaker, I already lost an eye and now I'm losing my leg blaaaaaaaah so our cases were taboos. I acknowledge of what she did for me as a kid and I'm grateful of everything that she carried me on her back, fed me, changed me, bathed me, unbraided,washed,comped,oiled and braided my hair, put me on the camel back when we were moving far distance I'm grateful for everything but all I asked was why she burned my body I had the right to know  because it's my body but then granny changed the  subject by telling   mom that I was running away years and seeking "marehan people" my father's  tribe before her victim playing which made  mom angry to me  and then everything was as if it never happened, we had mothers who Follow the paths of our grands, great grands, great, great grands and so on these and much more are the similarity of our mothers. Ayaan and I both went to Islamic schools and spent most of our times attending madrasas in Somalia although she later moved to Saudi Arabia, Ethiopia and Kenya and now we are both here, being U.S. citizen,  ex-muslims, criticizing Islamic teachings, writing our stories, married out of our culture, being mothers of mixed kids,  having similar dreams of being an activists except  she is already an activist.

Reading Ayaan's book was not easy, I had to hide it from my family, my muslim friends  and from the Islamic and somali communities even one day as I was waiting the bus reading it at the bus stop a dude arrived and noticed that I was reading Ayaan's book  after seeing her image on the front of the paper pack and he asked me if I'm muslim which I replied yes as I was and then he continued and said she is not muslim by gesturing the cut throat sign of slowly crossing his fist with the index finger outstretched on his throat, SHE IS AN INFIDEL DON'T READ HER BOOK, he said I didn't comment as the bus was already here we both got in and I continued reading my book.

Now back to the topic, my parachute doesn't have one color but it have one of my favorite colors and that is writing, since now that I found out I love reading then I want to write. I want to write children's books, biographies,autobiographies, novels, fictions etc and most of all I want to be a creative writer I want to write something that people would love to read starting with my own stories of my upbringings I set up a blog for myself which I'll be writing whatever I have in mind to write even if it's crazy who cares I'm just practicing of writing so it doesn't have to be perfect I don't care I'll just write what I can then make it perfect later when I learn writing.

I now plan to go back to school and take writing classes so I hope it'll help me be the best author. 

FGM

The herds girl.

Zeitun (Zei) was a former nomad girl, born in the capital city of Somalia, after birth civil war broke out and her parents divorced, mother took her to nomad in northern Somalia, where her maternal grandmother, uncles, aunts and cousins lived together, her mother, leaving her there, went off  to  the gulf of Aden  with a boat full of refugees from the port city of Berbera in the Somaliland region and portaged in the Yemeni coast, hoping to find a better  living for the family. She found herself last seen or heard  in Sana'a Yemen, more than a decade.

Zei grew up in  the  desert of East Africa moving from a place to place, she was an uneducated sheepherder as a child, raised in Somalis traditional ways  and experienced many of the cultural Corporal Punishments of childhood growing up in Somalia.

As a girl growing up in a male dominated muslim country, a largely segregated and holds strong believes in gender shaming as a country, which is never an easy place  any  girls, women at all ages especially when they are treated so unjustly. Zei said even if we're sitting our older female guardians such as  mothers, sisters, grandmothers and aunts  etc will supervise  us around men when we sit our legs must be crossed, when we bent over our butts must be  away from men, how we dress, and walk are controlled as well  even if the men are our fathers, uncles, cousins, brothers, strangers who care who they are, girls as kids are shamed, slapped  and forced to cross their legs  if they take their pants off, mothers are frustrated with their baby girls because Zei's culture believes if your daughter's genital is  seen then yours is  seen this put mothers burden so the mothers have no choice  but to beat the baby girls for taking their pants off while baby boys freely roam around with their lower body parts bare and their tiny danglers  dancing down there.  From birth to late 5 years old it's not necessary for boys in nomad to wear pants  and nobody gives a glance of their dangling treasures, nobody shames their fathers for their boys   but girls everyone will jaw drop, cover  their mouths with their hands as if they never seen a  little girl's genital  and then shame the mother for not guarding the little girl.

Are you circumcised?

As a child she grew up with her grandmother, uncles and cousins, her grandma believe circumcised girls in very young age under 10 years old  will delay their growth so she waited until her teenage but Zei had another bad experience  of the bullies, stereotypes  and the  pressures   almost everyone males, females, kids and adults alike. The most  stupid and the most popular  question that Zei received   daily basis  was. Are you circumcised??? sometimes they say you're too old for having that long and impure clitoris, sometimes they call me names such (She who with clitoris) or (the girl with clitoris)sometime it saved me Zei recalled.

One day I was walking alone escaped from my abusive family and I was  walking around didn't know where I was going or what I was going to do, when I encountered two stranger men in their  mid 30s when they see me they knew about me already because I have been in the neighborhood  for a while, stayed with a local strangers in several weeks so they knew me, they came toward me I was frightened and didn't know what to do? what will they do to me?? my mind was full of questions because men were what I feared the most since in my culture believed  having sex out of wedlock is taboo and is punishable not mention  the family honor which is another disaster so I feared if they do things like rape then I will no longer exist on this world Zei said.

The men approached me and  asked me. Are you circumcised? that was their first word, I expected other questions like what is your name? Where are you going? What is your tribe? blaah but this question was neither  on my mind nor I prepared the answer I got frightened more almost froze and answered with low whisper like  voice. "No" they looked each other and one of them said. She is a kid and the other nodded agreeing  of course she is just a kid they told me to come with them and led me  to a nearby couple dome-shaped huts lived by  two families just two women and their children I knew them and never seen a male in the family they brought me a mat to sit down and told me  feel free to ask whatever you want and get whatever you want from the families, "be the guest" they said. Which was really nice. But what I still  wonder  is what would they do to me if  my  answer was yes???? Let alone wonder this, it sounded like my filthy clitoris  saved me from those monsters who suddenly turned to be kind after realizing my uncleanliness and impurity.

Zei said I was told that the circumcision is the only key to have a successful future, a happily marriage, to earn your spouse and in law's  respect, to cleanse yourself, to have children  and that's to remove your whole clitoris and then stitch your labia minoras together Zei didn't agree the whole idea. But what choice she had? one day I was on an escape journey when I stayed with a family of a tribe we called (midgo) this tribe is famous with it's circumcision practicers, barbers and hunters  the family's old lady who was herself a circumcision practicer   asked me about it and I told her not yet  she was trying to comfort me saying don't worry grandma will get you a lady soon to do it. I was like what lady??? the knife welding old or middle  aged ladies who carry rusty knives, scissors, razor blades, sewing needles, with or without an  anesthetic there is no an anesthetic in nomad so not to mention it and they use those equipment over 30 girls without cleaning it, they sharpen the scissors, knives, razor blades and the noodles with stones or other  rusty metals.

The red legged lady

During  Zei's early teen  she was old  enough to undergo FGM but she was away "escaped from the abuse she received everyday"  She said when I suddenly disappeared and  my family couldn't find me they went to a nearby village everyday  to heard news of my whereabouts but there was no luck in weeks and they thought I was far away or dead  so grandma went to large town and after  days of walking in the crowded malls and streets with speaker asking people if they seen me and describing about my appearance or  what I was wearing when I disappeared she still had no luck of finding me so she went to a diviner/fortune teller whatever you call and asked her help with her "anthracomancy" method While grandma was still in the town the news about me finally reached to the village and uncle came to me and finally  the diviner  told grandma that I was taken by a tall, dark unfriendly man and that I was at home safe.  Couple days later she sent a verbal note requesting my presence in the town where she was at the time and the next day uncle threw me  on a truck, but I was never told why  was I sent?  And what am I supposed to do? Let alone wonder this. These questions where on my mind in the rest of the week. Why am I here? What am I doing here? but whom shall I ask?

Grandma took two days asking the town people a good FGM practicer who have longer experience. Was she looking for someone with Ph D of circumcision or someone who went college for it?? of course not those ladies are uneducated most of them are illiterate and they never practiced it in schools or with fake people but they started with  and tortured a lot girls, one of them was a nomadic woman whom I knew, She  said I'll start with my  daughter so if it works with my daughter I'll continue doing it but if I fail I won't do it anymore after she tortured her own child she began hunting the other girls and earning whatever the girls' families could afford such sheep, goat, gee butter,  clothes, or other household items whatever they could afford and this is how  all of those knife welding old or middle aged  ladies started practicing FGM.

Zei's grandma found an old lady who had long experience of FGM her nickname was  (the red legged) she was skinny  light  skinned not all of somali people are dark some of them are more light skinned  than the most so she was one of them and her legs were almost white that's why she earned the   nickname  red legs,since we somalis call the light skinned ones among us (RED).  One morning in the early morning when the sun rose I was told to go to the latrine and take a bath that is when I realized why I was here Zei recalled. After I took the bath  I was led to an abandoned dome shaped hut  which a distance relative owned and the red legged  arrived Now there were  4 ladies they made what felt like ritual or witchcraft circle one sat behind my head, two others sat my left and right  sides and the red legged lady sat behind my legs I was laid back, then she grabbed her equipment set them  aside  a razor blade, a sewing needle with  thread, an anesthetic, a syringe, and a lot more include some remedies from plants then all I remember was the anesthetic shot, when I gained my sensation it was painful my ankles were bounded  together and my knees as well to prevent motion so I had to lay there motionlessly in the whole week, and bathroom was the worst.

I wasn't allowed to drink  water  because grandma believed drinking plenty of water will cause frequent  peeing and  it will delay the  healing  in matter of  time so all I drank was a glass of water every meal time even my meal were limited, a week passed and it was time for the red legged lady to return as she promised to cut the thread off and take it out but she never returned because grandma paid her in full and she wasn't expecting any more money from us. So why would she waste her time coming here without paid grandma was guilt for wasted some shillings and at the same time was furious  because  she was supposed to leave tomorrow to nomad but. How can she leave me while I'm still stitched? Zaynab a local woman who had the same experience valunteered and cut the thread off and took it out.

later life.

Zei's life after the FGM in Somalia was what felt  like house arrest she even moved to a town hopping the situation at home  would get better but got worse in nomad she would walk out with the herds all day but in town since there were no herds to herd she was only allowed to go to the  madrasa an Islamic schools that she learned  arabic language and what was called holy  books such quran and hadeth, she wasn't allowed to go out because of her culture a girl's dignity is to stay in her home in that case she'll have a good future, she'll be respected and she doesn't need to go out to   find a man because the perfect prince charming that God planned for her will come knocking her door one day but a girl going out will end up prostituting and will bring bastard children then she lose her dignity, respect and honor, her actions will  also shame  her family's honor. Zei didn't like  the idea of being house arrest to earn her own honor and the  future Mr. Right so she always broke the house rules she used to go out once a week or once two weeks to stretch her legs just to have some walk around the malls or to visit relatives and get fresh air but when she come back she had to pay the price for breaking grandma's rules. 

And since Zei is pure now and is ready for marriage to anyone who asks her hand in marriage  she must be more guarded than when she was a little girl with dangling clitoris.

Hello Minneapolis!

In 2008 Zei was sponsored to come to the united States her new life in here wasn't as luxurious as she expected the abuse at home was no different from her whole life. But there was something Zei couldn't believe that was that somali dudes in west aren't interested in circumcised girls Zei couldn't believe this because back home (Somalia) uncircumcised girls were considered whores and they lose their respect from their spouse, in-laws and they disgrace their families. Because it's the only way to prove their virginity, purity.

Zei would proudly admit it when the dudes start questioning her sexual desires and her favorite sex positions or talk about the sex positions they favor  most dudes always talk dirty but Zei's goal was to get married and have a  somali traditional wedding, which is getting married and sleeping with the new husband at first night while still circumcised to prove her virginity but All dudes would say. Poor you, you have no feelings at all.

feel sorry for you etc, I expected to be honored not be sorry for, I felt angry and questioned why was I tortured if  the men no longer want my clean lines Zei said and after learning all  the successful circumcision stories were lies  she is fighting against it.

Marriage and childbirth

After 6 years of furious, confused and  didn't know who she really is anymore she met a western man who know nothing about somali culture or  the circumcised girls 2 months after marriage the reversal began  it went well like the circumcising moment and there were no problems but as the doctor advised not to have intercourse until 3 weeks after that things were not how I expected.

I was curious of what sex is really like and couldn't wait the whole 3 weeks while it was still painful at the same time healing, I have been asking myself this question what  is sex like and sometimes I would ask my married friends but they didn't give any pleasuring sound all they said was it's just the husband's call he'll call when he wants so I took it as the husband's pleasure while the women are just lying there waiting the husbands to satisfy themselves then go.

After 3 weeks were over and the wound healed well I started my journey but it was even more painful than both circumcising moment and the reversal it felt nothing at all I had to push my husband away at the middle of the intercourse almost every time we tried and then I had to  distant  myself from him  this didn't hurt only me it greatly hurt deeply not that he felt I don't want to have sex or that I  hate him but he understood why I push him away because of the senselessness and the pain he would do whatever it takes to restore however it seems there is nothing he could do.

He would be asking what can I do to take the pain away and make you comfortable around? I would do whatever it takes to get back my missing parts as well and I want it back all the time, I wish those parts  would grow again but it can't I now understand why my friends didn't seem they had any sexual pleasures.

My child came through  Cesarean section but I still have the fear what if the next child come through vaginal birth? would this cause another pain? because I had enough of it and not want anymore FGM related pains to disturb me. 

My 4 worlds

I'll not say I'm the only survivor of the most horrible domestic abuse because I know there are so many other females sometimes males as well who suffered or still suffering domestic abuse even worse than I,  being a survivor isn't mean only survivor  of lethal weapons or cure less  diseases also those who suffered of child abuse or domestic abuse are survivors as well.

I'm now one of very few survivors of both  most terrible  domestic and child abuse and the female genital mutilation (FGM) itself, I  had three different life experience not to mention the current because it's what I call  my fourth world, I can't write the whole story here I'm sure it will be more than  50,000 or more page a of a book which I'm planning to write now but I can share some of it.

My 1st world.

My first world where I grew up as a kid was nomad we were travelers moving from place to place I was the youngest in the household so I was shown love, care and  treated well but still had times that were  abuse for punishment  but at the age of 8  my world turned upside down when I runaway from my family at the first time I didn't know where I was going I was just a kid.

After this my whole family loathed me especially my guardian I can't tell who exactly it's but it's not biological parent anyway my guardian thought I shamed the family's name and did whatever she could to stop me running away, so this nomad life was the most hardship life I ever lived I was punished constantly  if I don't take good care of  the animals by this  it's doesn't  mean I didn't take care of them it means even if an accident happen like bunch of goats and sheep strayed  I'm punished for not keeping them together or if one of the animal is killed by fox or other carnivores I'm punished for not protecting them, or when taking them to the pasture lands if I don't follow the exact direction that was told to do so I'm punished for breaking the rule, never mind for being punished for accidents or things that were not expected I loved the animals and always eager to take good care of them you know what things won't be how you wish it to be.

For example I took good care of them and at last tried to go to the hut to wet my  dry throat and when I come back I found out the smart ass fox already killed a sheep. Was this my responsibility? of course I was  assigned to take care of the herds but it was accident, fate happened.

The punishment wasn't only about those herds  also if I drunk a small milk that was left for tonight's dinner to ease my starvation because we weren't allowed to cook breakfast either lunch all we had was dinner to dinner except the rain seasons which we had some milk that helped us kids and now being escapee I faced the worst punishment that a child of my family member  haven't faced yet at least.

I  was punished almost everything and what do you think the punishment was like?  

I was treated like an alien. you heard me? I said an alien I mean whenever  my guardian was angry to me she always said no fool person, stubborn, impure, filthy, or anyone like her were ever born from Ismail offspring but satan/devil  brought her to us.

Although I was too young to be considered impure or sexually controlled but my guardian did it because my culture believe if a girl goes out of her family's home she is impure.
Well in this case when I get hurt and crying helplessly I would say I'm not the grandchild then  I asked myself then who the hell am I? the devil's child in human form?

And as well the abuse worsened day after day from a loved grand kid to loathed unknown filthy, what I mean this is because I was punished differently from the other family kids, the difference was that my legs were chained to prevent me from escaping, most of the time I was tree  mate meaning my arms were tied behind my back,  brought me under  a nearby tree and tied on the tree poles  and left there half day or the whole which I once nearly lost my forearms, my private parts were burned in  this case I don't know the reason  why was I burned? let alone question because no  one will answer this, held knife in my throat threatening me that they'll slaughter me if I don't obey them, hog tied and left there in the whole night  and the final  I was whipped shepherd sticks.

All of this except the shepherd stick the other kids were never had but why only me?? this is another unanswered question,  anyway this was my first world. When I say I was raised in a violent environment I sometimes fear that some people may see me as a violent person but I'm not afraid to break the silence anymore.

My 2nd world

Well in 2001 we moved in a town after a long escape journey my mom was informed that if not done something as soon as possible my dead body will be found one day mom ordered us to settle down  in  the town because I was already there after I took a ride with my guardian's stolen money, I was enrolled madrasa Islamic schools where I learned foreign language arabic instead of learning my own language because I was already speaking somali but I was illiterate.

The physical  domestic abuse was less but still treated the same at home and  at the madrasa the kids knew I'm an ex-herds girl meaning they know I won't fight back so they bullied me and my cousin, after a while the things at home again worsened now it's about my little cousin whom was the disaster in my life our guardian launched physical abuse this time it's all about the boy he would insult verbally, throw stone to me, or spit on my face.. or do  whatever he wish when I hit him our guardian would punish me to avenge the little boy, meaning the physical abuse was less doesn't mean the things went better noooooooo, the verbal abuse was another matter.

I'll give one of the most worst verbal abuse, well one evening the little boy and I were around while our guardian was in our corrugated iron sheet bed  room after a short  fight he cried, then here comes guardian running  and started throwing tantrums and her usual  verbal abuse asking me. why did you hit him?  because he refused to fuck you? I'm telling you he is not a man yet go out and find a man, I don't care what she said about me  but there was  one bothersome thing she said this in front of the little  boy while he proudly listened the whole scene and  seemed happy to have a vengeful guardian. In my culture parents do avenge when an older kid hits the younger one who can't fight back so this is usual and there is another thing because I was a female out there it's male supremacy country  and he was a man no matter how old he is, he is still treated like gentleman.

I protested once and told my guardian that I'm fed up with this and I want the little boy to go his parents home or he have to show me some respect but instead  I was told I'm  easier to leave the house than him. how come?    there was no where I should go my mom was here in U.S and my father was unknown dead or alive as well his family I sometime considered myself an orphan because I thought if my father was alive and lived in my backyard south Somalia while I was in north he would come looking for his only child and rescue me from this hell but it was a fool's day dream, that's why I can't   forgive him. 

I wouldn't mind getting out of the house I would feel like a bird flew out of  it's cage and I wouldn't mind living with strangers as long as they don't hurt me yet I'll be caught and be punished.

That was  my send world. 

My 3rd world

Back in Africa I used to  hear in  America  children aren't abused because the government and child protection service  will take them away so I imagined  myself living in a beating free zone but my nightmare shattered when I was beaten with a rolling pin within 2nd week of my arrival yet my new life in America was no different from back home although my previous guardian wasn't here if she was I would be living in hell, wait I don't believe the actual hells that are mentioned in the  religions I mean the oppression itself is  hell, and being disabled my family didn't know what to do with me so they sent me away to school and my off days all I do was baby sit or bury myself in my bed room  because what else would I do no one out there to talk only mom whom started to hit me before we even get to know each other or the kids who were too young to talk to and too busy of playing.

I was being controlled every step I take out of the apartment and forced to return the child abuse to my younger siblings what I mean is my mom goes to her full-time job and  I'm with the kids 8 hour plus an hour of  driving back and forty so if those kids don't listen to  me or break the rules I used to tell mom what they did but instead of teaching the kids to behave well I was yelled even punished  why not beat them? what were you doing? watching  TV? or what else? the TV was turned off  to stop me watching but it worsened because the cartoons usually helped me  babysit, imagine taking care of 3 kids with no T.V. no toys, no games nothing at all then they go  out of control and this was forcing me to hit them to stop them doing hazard, so now I'm the abuser too.

But my happiness was out of the damn apartment although I'm still depressed but I felt  fresh air at least, I wasn't allowed to have friends I once had a female friend who taught me how to ride the city buses but after few time mom was mad and disliked me going out of the house.

At the beginning my 3rd world was very strange with the different people and confusing.

4th world

Well, this is my new world the 4th world which I consider magic world what I mean is that it really changed too quick?  you might be curious how did it changed.

After found out that the mother I thought was wonderful was no different than my previous guardian this must be genetic, the only difference was she feared that if the child protection service  find it out they'll take all of us kids, the only hope I had was to find a man, get married and leave them but I knew if I marry a somali man  he  would be  the same as my family do I was like "NO way out" I mean I was trapped and if I married abusive man what I would do is commit a suicide as  I really did 9 years ago but I was saved by a neighbor.

Tired of play boys who talk only about the appearance of the woman they want or the type of  sexual they prefer or blah blah screw players, now I curiously joined a dating site then a strange dude appeared out of tiny air it was harder  than any relationship I ever had because we were different people with different cultures so adjusting my own culture, the somali community stigmas and convincing my family about our relationship  took time cause he was the man of my dream,  although he matched the requirement of Islamic marriage but my family's  strict believe and culture made it more difficult to make them understand, and even for me it wasn't  that easy I was raised to stay away from the infidels, back home I used to go to the Fridays lectures or Thursdays night lectures when I was hearing which I always heard the imams preaching that the infidels are our arch-villains they'll never rest until they preach you about their believe and turn the muslims  away from their righteous  path so never show them sympathy, never show them love, or make them friends and so on I was raised in a  Jews hatred environment and guardian  who always cursed Jews whenever heard the name yuhuud (Jews) she used to pray to her God that he wipe all of the Jews out of the  universe and leave no one and then Christians until no unbeliever is left now having an unbeliever family it was not as easy as waving the magic wand but I was willing to fight for my freedom over my family, I mean come on oppression is  a house prison..

Anyway after meeting with this strange dude my world magically changed, the people I firstly  considered the nemesis of my believe  and secondly considered  the strangers from the other side of the  world now magically turned to be my new loving and caring family, smiling and helpful strangers on out there almost anywhere  while in  the other hand I was disowned by my biological. 

I'm not bring hit not I hit back, I'm raising a daughter and I'm trying to build a healthy boundaries but they'll never understand however I'm done with their culture and I'm making my own culture based on love, care , support and responsibility of my child.

Life isn't always easy there are ups and downs but I'm completely happy with my new life, although my mother blames me and even  herself for my   liberation because if I was still in Africa none of this would happen so bringing me here is what she blames of herself who cares. was I borne to please the gods and my parents? where is my own life? 

Introduction

Hello dear valued  readers, sorry for the late, I created  this blog a while  ago but I didn't have the time to write something.

It's just that most of the time I want to write something but when I get the chance I don't feel like doing it, it's funny but all the motivations and energy goes away when I try to start writing but of course I'm not giving up of writing
.I'm not that lazy it's just that I'm tired a lot being mother of one child with two jobs however when I come home and sit in front of my laptop I feel like I need to rest then the  time runs so fast.

Most of my free times I spend binge-watching movies a lot more  than writing. Now let's change the subject.

Why I'm writing this blog? I have a dream of becoming a writer I have an incredible stories to tell I believe everybody have their own stories whether they want to share or keep it a secret so I'm planning of writing a book in the future, I have not started it yet I'm just starting to improve my english vocabulary and grammar.

With the support of my wonderful husband and his family it's  time to write my  story, a new story,  a story that you have never read before however I have been feeling little overwhelmed with everything, I have been here in the states less than eight years and it's been three years since I gained my freedom from my oppressive and abusive  family. I eventually wrote a children's book manuscript  a while  ago and I found an illustrator but I'm still dealing with the publishing company.


So the reason I created this blog is that I need to improve my writing and to write what I need to tell the world it's the only way I can reach the world, I need a place to express my feelings, thoughts and opinions so here it's.

I don't like to bore people I hope you'll like what I write and thank you for visiting my blog and  taking your time to read my stories

Still surviving.

I was born in the land of where people call the capital city such holy city but I know nothing more than the capital city not even where in the capital city was I born.

But I was raised in the land of no books to read/write, no pens to write only large carved wooden boards which were taller than me and charcoal inks where you carry the board all day with you while you herd the animals.
In the land of where the history is carried in your mother's tongue.
In the land where nobody know their birth dates.
In the land where every big  tribes see themselves as superior who deserve more than the rest and this is why the land had decades of war.

In the land where most of the populations are inbred, meaning cousins marrying cousins and reproducing their own nephews/nieces as their son/daughters.

In the land where forcing your daughter out of her will  to marry the man you wish her to marry.
In the land where you cut off your daughter's clitoris for the honor of your family and to get a good bride price.
In the land where parents don't remember their children's  birth dates.

In the land where everyone remembers things that happened but not the year or date  it happened.

In the land where those children who were born out of wedlock are branded as BASTARDS forever  and unwanted.
In the land where the whole locals run like wildebeest stampede whenever there are fighters in the neighborhood, circle  shout FIGHT as if they're standing next to a boxing ring they just want to see who hits the ground first, or until someone has the courage to tell the shouting crowd to calm down it's not professional boxers it's just two  wrestling ladies.

In the land where rape is the woman's fault (She shouldn't have opened her legs) and the woman marries her rapist even if there were multiple she marry the last one  rapist for the honor of her family, it's type of  forced marriage

In the land where domestic abuse is normal kind of traditional.
In the land where males in the households are fed first before the women and children, and when they unexpectedly bring guests women and children  give up their food for the guests and eat leftovers or starve.
In the land where disabled people are nicknamed based on their type of disabilities such  and such deaf, blind, paralyzed etc.

In the land where the children throw stones and call you names if you're disabled and parents teach them nothing.
In the land where you call no cops but family.
In the land where the family becomes the marriage counselors if a wife and husband fight.
In the land where  females are half men.
In the land where you wear tent length burqas in all the seasons no matter how hot or cold the weather is.
In the land where the dead is not talked  unless it's prayers or good things they did while they were alive.


Now I'm here.

In the land of free.