The long letter that I sent to uncle

Uncle, I have something to say to you I could say it after the dinner but I wanted to talk to you only at first so I just nodded of whatever was said during our brief meeting.

As you know in my childhood I was in nomad with ayeeyo (grandma) the only thing I liked in nomad that kept me alive was the herds especially the lambs and the goat kids  we always formed a great human-animal  bonding   that I never had with any human being, I used to chase them around, talk to them, laugh at them when they munch the grass, carry them, kiss them, snuggle them and comfort myself  with their soft fur. I may blamed them whenever I get hurt, whipped them, cursed them, and hurt them as revenge but I always  loved being around them more than being around human.

And as I grew I come to realize that I had no relationship with human being, not grandma, not uncles, not aunt, not cousins no one just the animals I was always alone with them hungry,tired, thirst, we went long journeys everyday for pasture, we rested under big Acacia tree shade during the noon,then we marched to home together, I drunk their milk, I ate their meat, I rubbed their butter on my rough and dry  skin.

Now let's change the subject. When it come to people they were always nagging,yelling,cursing,beating,letting me starve all day,throwing things on me, bounded me under trees or inside our hut, burned my body for no reason, always accusing me of  sexual assault, calling me fool/nerd, humiliating me around other people who are not my family, chained my ankles together and forced me  to keep herding the animals and who do you think these are?

They're the only people I would call family grandma being the number one or  the mastermind or gives the permission to whoever wants to hurt me, uncles being the mama's boys, aunt being always grandma's side and the cousins being the spoiled brats and that is my nomad life.

After we moved to Burao I was hoping life would get better since the animals were not there I thought the abuse would get better but nothing changed. And as you know I have been running away for years because I didn't feel safe in the place where I once called home I was beaten constantly, I was tied under tree and left there in hours, half day or all day which I  once almost lost my wrists, I was chained like a hobbled camel several solid months of not having one single break day from it and I had to endure the sound of the clanging chain tied from my ankles to my waist as the chain was too long for my tiny ankles, I slept with it, I ate with it, I bathed with it,I herded the animals with it and everybody stared at me some walked faster past me while some stood there and stared, some dared to come to me and ask me am I  mentally ill, some assumed I'm crazy person and left.

And one afternoon I was with the maqal the  lambs and the goat kids when granny spotted the maqal but not me, she  came to the maqal and saw me sitting near them, talking with Ayaan Ahmed Umal Ogle however she took the maqal home and I knew something was wrong so I didn't go after her instead I asked Ayaan to take me to her home and give me water as I was thirsty  after I drunk the water her mother told Ayaan's sister Asia to take me home and I went with hoping granny might  cool down and forgive me because I did nothing wrong the maqal were unharmed and they were close to me when granny took them. However after Asia brought me to granny she secretly gestured to  Asia to hold me for her and then the next thing was after Asia disappeared she called cousin Amina to get her a rope and a burning fire wood, once Amina brought the things  she bounded my arms together on my back, knocked me at the ground, pulled off my pant and burned both  sides of my pussy between the thigh  joints  and labia majoras, the pant was put on back and I was tied under a nearby tree were I spent the next  several hours but there was one disaster during the burn a burning charcoal broke off from the wood and it remained inside my butt cheeks were it burned during the stand up hours until it shut itself off I stood there in the whole evening scared of the  desert Lions, hungry Hyenas, Leopards, Snacks or whatever would love my  little flesh, I waited, waited and waited for someone to come and set me free so I could at least take the charcoal off but nobody come uncle kayse and Abdillahi Yussuf joined and after dinner tea party started with laugh and chat so it took hours until Kayse realized that I was not there and questioned my presence and he is the one who sent Amina to free me but ordered to tie me under the hut in the whole night until tomorrow so he could cut me into two pieces fortunately she didn't so I slept hungry and suffering from the untreated burn and the next day Amina was told to take me with the herds untreated the heat was terribly hot and the burn got worse which I couldn't even walk with it that is when Dhool Ahmed's daughter in-law faadumo  told Amina to tell granny do treat the wounds.

Or that day when Granny ordered Kayse to tie me inside the hut and everybody left with the herds the rope was too tight, too painful, my wrists swell, felt numb and senseless, I could not sit or lay down because the rope was tied above my head and all I could do was stand, so from 9AM to 5PM I was standing inside the hut screaming for help but there were  no one to come to  help, just to simply help, then at noon finally Ayaan came, I begged her to give me water, but what she gave me was not enough and there was no water at home, but then kayse comes while I was begging Ayaan which he slapped, kicked and told me if I say another word he'll cut me into pieces and that Ayaan was better than me so I must not say her name from my filthy  mouth again, then he took a large cub of ciir milk with few table spoons of sugar and went  to the Acacia tree next to the hut where Ayaan and granny joined nobody came to check on me or seemed concerned and I could not say a word because Kayse will beat me and an hour later  everybody left again. When I was finally free my arms were double in size, my wrists  skin removed  and today I still bear the last scar and the next day local kids were bullying me because I had no arms to defend myself, no hand to eat, no hand to clean after bathroom.

Granny and Osman held knives on my throat threatening me that they'll slaughter me, Kayse used to put his feet with  his thorny shoes on my head and he used to beat me whenever,wherever and however he wishes, he used to catch me when I run away from granny who was always wielding a large stick to whip me, and my cousins including Amina and Ayaan did their part in all of the terrible abuses. Amina had strangulation habits and one day I almost fainted because she went too far while strangling me or Ayaan being the bad cousin who always accused me of everything she did or told  grandma lies  to get me grounded.

The only ones I felt safe being around  was  you and aunt Farhiya, somehow I lost trust  with Farhiya later in life as she chose to only be on granny's side, no matter how unfair or wrong grandma was, she always supported her, so I lost hope from in trusting her and as you remember whenever grandma yelled, cursed or tried to nag me you always stopped her and she really listened you very well and that's one reason I always felt safe around you unfortunately I feel like being bad luck, because I never spent a lot of great times around  you,  it was always short visits  then sadly  you were gone in a week or less.

But all those times I only had hope that kept me being alive and that was I thought I had a lovely mother somewhere that I'll meet someday however that nightmare was shattered during our brief meeting in Ethiopia in 2007 but I still had another hope and that was if I come to the States there would be no more abuse somehow that was a fool's nightmare when the first abuse started within the 2nd week of my arrival call it a welcome abuse after that my life was only babysitting, doing home chores and going to school and when I was at home not babysitting I buried myself in my room because there was no one I could talk mom didn't like talking to me and the kids were driving me crazy around they were too young to make friend and since I had no friend because I was a home prisoner there was no one to talk, when I was depressed, when I was sad, when I was angry, when I was frustrated, when I was hurt, nobody was there to care  about me not mom or step father. When things are bad between me and my mother my mother  never come to solve our dispute, I don't know if it's that she doesn't want to talk to me or that she doesn't know how to solve our dispute as a mother and daughter instead  she always run to Abdirahman or the neighbors  to convince me and settle down the dispute so Abdirahman was our counselor during that time I hated everybody at home the kids for being so stubborn and brats, Abdirahman for only solving the current dispute not the up comings  in the future dispute, and mom for not being the mother she  needed to be, standing up for her daughter in an abusive situation, yes it may be our culture, but that doesn't make it right or correct in anyway.

However I still had One last hope that kept me alive, and it was that I would get married and leave them,  as time passed I realized, that If I marry a somali man nothing would get better, so I had to see the other side and this is what led me to marry Adam. It's not only, because I love him it's also I feel safe around him I feel supported instead of judged, shamed I feel respected, loved and cared for, by him and his family and I have never felt like that, not by anyone in the Ismail family.

During the brief visit you and mom asked me to stay in touch with the family I wanted to speak with you, but Adam is still learning sign language and he couldn't interpret and mom was here so I decided to just nod saying OKAY, so I chose to send you this long email.

You said to forget everything in the past and move on with a new life, well let me say it's not really that easy to simply forget the past, and move forward with a new life past is what makes the history, and what happened in the past will always be remembered, in my situation, you asking me to erase a book and write a completely new one because it's in my heart, not just my mind. Whenever I think of Granny I see her as the only person that I once used to call ayeeyo, who had no little human feelings for me I mean only me. The question is, why was I different? yes different, from the other Ismail offspring? granny raised Mohamed, Nimo,Amina,Ayaan and Abdifatah beside me and none of them went through what I went through not my generations just me so in my heart there is no Granny I don't know what should I call but I can't call her granny she didn't earn love from me and I'm sorry to say it but I really can't pretend what I'm really not and I can't cut off my heart and put a new fresh heart so I can love and forgive her or cut of my brain so I can forget the past I can't abti but I can life with it forever it's who I'm it's my story and everybody have a story too.

But for now if you want me to be part of Reer Ismail I can be, but under one condition, and only ONE condition, I want everyone to stop abusing kids it includes FGM, beating, forcing the kids to do something that they don't want something that is against their Will, forcing them on  marriage,honor killing of course reer Ismail value family honor a lot more than valuing your child that's why grandma hurt me so inhumane and this is what mom is doing now however I can't be that daughter who will do everything for the family's name and if my mother chooses the honor of her forefathers over me  then I can't be that daughter so the only option is disown me I'll be just the lost girl forever.

I'm not  making  or giving rules, I'm setting healthy boundaries, I have suffered enough pain and I don't want to be around people who make me fear them and where I don't feel safe. I don't want to remember those horrible memories and most of all, I will not let Juliet grow up in that environment, with those kind of people,  I couldn't and can't talk to mom about this because we never had a good relationship and I know she will never listen to me, so if you could talk to her about this that would be great, and please tell her that before I met her, grandma used to say your mother is toxic than me and she would not have  you in a day she would slaughter you at the moment she sees you and now whenever I look at my mom I remember those words I mean their toxicity  is similar but granny was more fearless, more cruel  with no  sympathy for me.

Anyway I'm not yet recovered from the trauma in my life, and I don't know when will I recover, I might never recover, but in my life now, after being mentally, physically, verbally and emotionally abused in the past I can't continue taking more of this and that's why I run away from mom during the winter 2013 and it's why I wore my old dress which I bought months before my engagement, it's why I didn't have the wedding every girl dreams of because I wanted a family who loves, cares, supports and understand me and that is Adam and his family my wedding dream dead because it was either I had to wait him to save up money few more years to have my dream wedding and live in that horrible abusive place or wear my old normal dress and get out of that place. I was never happy in any of my family's home not with granny, not with mom, not with Kayse no where but nobody cared whether I was happy or unhappy, or what makes me happy or unhappy.

I wish there was a time machine so I could go back and undo whatever happened but there is none and this is and will always be part of me so instead of blaming me for everything, I mean EVERYTHING include the running away, include cutting the contact with the family and forgiving them to me forgiveness is not bought  or  free it's earned. Could you forgive that person who put your flesh on  fire and never looked back until the neighbors told to do so? Could you forgive that person who bounded your arms at 9AM and never looked back till the evening? Could you forgive that person who come toward you angry when you finally come home from herding the animals all day hungry, thirsty and exhausted and instead of being proud who unzipped your pant, pulled it down, opened your labia minoras with her thumbs and looked around the vagina as if she was examining something then  walked away without saying a word about it? the list goes forever  those I mentioned are not the only what happened they're the examples and the most unforgettable. I'm just saying Ayeeyo didn't earn forgiveness from me and if mom takes the same path grandma did then she'll lose my forgiveness too.

I'm working on a way to live with all the past memories in a way that it doesn't sabotage my future so if reer Ismail want me to be part of them then change should come from them I need a supportive family it doesn't mean support me for whatever bad or good I did or do it means I need a family who is there for me when I need them, who cares about each other not just only me but every family member, a family who understands why I did or do something and why things happened, a family who is committed to each other not a family who stick to cleanse their forefathers name to honor them, I need a family who is encourageous , a family who is not afraid of  what other people say about them or don't mind what the world think about them, a family who wants what is best for me not a family who wants what is best for themselves, I need a family who respect what I believe not a family who wants to force me to believe, I need a family who shows love not a family who says YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW I FEEL FOR YOU. And this is the only way I can be around and I don't expect that change will occur very soon but if they really want to change then they have to find a way to make things better but if nobody is willing I can't make them change better.

I'm planning to move on and become an artist but I can't have a family who will bush me around telling me drawing living thing is against their faith so I must not do, I want to became a writer and I can't have a family yelling at me asking why I shared my personal stories or family secrets etc, I was never treated  like someone worthy of something only the crazy little girl who doesn't even remember what she ate last night, in my whole life I was told to be like my somali peers who had husbands, children and run their own families but now for being a wife and mother I feel like I missed so many things  my none somali peers are teachers, professors, doctors, famous billionaires, space engineers, musicians, and so on but I missed all of them I have no talent, I lost my self esteem very long time ago and I don't know if I can gain  it back.

When it come to my father he abandoned me I don't know the reason my parents divorced, the reason he gave me away, the reason he never come looking for me.I lived in his back yard North Somalia his trip would take a day but he never cared about me and now he wants me to bond a wonderful father-daughter relationship but this is not going to happen, I'm not asking him to explain why he never come looking for me or why he threw me away I just want him to understand how I felt being abandoned and I'm not taking revenge I'm just teaching him lessons so he don't do this to the other kids, about mom I know she risked her life when she took a boat  from the port city of Berbera to Sana'a Yemen and then from middle east to America and it's not an easy journey I wish to know the story but I know one thing that she experienced so many obstacles, hardships and faced so many brick walls to break through but this doesn't make me feel loved, cared or supported and it never was, I'm grateful that she worked so hard to bring me here and I know that she blames herself for now since I left Islam and cut the contact but bringing me to America is not the problem I was never a true muslim I was wearing the hijab because everybody wore it and I never fasted full month of Ramadan, or prayed because I never loved the faith and as the Quran said to be a true muslim love your God, your prophet, the quran and love everything about it but I never liked a bit of it, I prayed so grandma would not keep yelling,cursing and telling everyone that I don't pray, I did it to keep her quiet and wore hijab as well for her.but none of it was from my heart and now I can't life pretending what I'm not actually so if my mom thinks disowning me for leaving Islam is the only solution it's not, it won't bring me back to the religion again it will only ruin everything.

Sorry about the long email I always wanted someone in Ismail family to talk about this but nobody was listening I hope you'll read this email not skip half of it because I talked crab about my family but it's important to me, and know that I'm not taking revenge of what happened to me and I don't hate anybody but I hate what they did and I hate it that they're still doing it the abuse it's  cultural norms to them but not to me anymore I used to beat my sisters, my brother and my younger cousins because I thought it was normal and this is what every abused child thinks. my last word is that I can't forget and forgive because those things are swirling on my mind all the time when I'm sitting on the bus, at work, watching movie, reading books, or whatever I'm doing I find myself being absent minded during the flashbacks my eyes staring blank space unblinkingly  motionless and  my mind gone back to the times it happened and I feel like it happened yesterday. How will I forget? I'm saying that I can life with it with your support and understandings but if my family thinks I'm playing a game and plays their part then it will get worse. I was never told I love you not mom, not granny, not uncles, not aunt not cousins non in reer Ismaciil so today I don't know how to love parents my dad was never there so was mom but when we finally met instead of getting to know each other and building a relationship it was all about fight and I always felt unwanted and I used to ask myself why was I born? Why was I  raised? I used to ask myself who am I? Why is the whole country so cruel? however there was never an answer. Mom never called me daughter or hooyo whatever you call I don't know if she think I'm too old  to be loved or if it's that she have no love for me who knows, I just need a mother not a caretaker. You know how envious I'm whenever I see mother and daughter who are  not even like mother and daughter but like best friends.

don't want the girls to be circumcised Gudniin because it's horror our bodies are made for purpose and cutting children's body parts  alive will haunt them always just like it haunts me.
And tell her that I know that she blames Adam for me leaving the faith, not wearing Islamic dress and not contacting to them just know that it's not his decision, it's mine we're not married for religion or purpose we're married because we love each other and we respect each other he is still muslim and I'm not our believe doesn't bother us so instead of blaming someone or finding excuses know that people are and will never be the same, we learn something then we change, good people become bad people and bad people become good people because we're human and humanity is not perfection. I might be the first infidel, Ismail offspring who married ajnabi and completely changed as if she slept and woke up being completely a new person I mean I changed so quick it's not that because I sacrificed my  worldly dreams for my family yet they were never satisfied with me. You know when you spent your entire youth hood in a prison and now you're finally free like a bird flew out of it's cage you feel like you have very little time to catch up the world that's why I changed within a year.