FGM

The herds girl.

Zeitun (Zei) was a former nomad girl, born in the capital city of Somalia, after birth civil war broke out and her parents divorced, mother took her to nomad in northern Somalia, where her maternal grandmother, uncles, aunts and cousins lived together, her mother, leaving her there, went off  to  the gulf of Aden  with a boat full of refugees from the port city of Berbera in the Somaliland region and portaged in the Yemeni coast, hoping to find a better  living for the family. She found herself last seen or heard  in Sana'a Yemen, more than a decade.

Zei grew up in  the  desert of East Africa moving from a place to place, she was an uneducated sheepherder as a child, raised in Somalis traditional ways  and experienced many of the cultural Corporal Punishments of childhood growing up in Somalia.

As a girl growing up in a male dominated muslim country, a largely segregated and holds strong believes in gender shaming as a country, which is never an easy place  any  girls, women at all ages especially when they are treated so unjustly. Zei said even if we're sitting our older female guardians such as  mothers, sisters, grandmothers and aunts  etc will supervise  us around men when we sit our legs must be crossed, when we bent over our butts must be  away from men, how we dress, and walk are controlled as well  even if the men are our fathers, uncles, cousins, brothers, strangers who care who they are, girls as kids are shamed, slapped  and forced to cross their legs  if they take their pants off, mothers are frustrated with their baby girls because Zei's culture believes if your daughter's genital is  seen then yours is  seen this put mothers burden so the mothers have no choice  but to beat the baby girls for taking their pants off while baby boys freely roam around with their lower body parts bare and their tiny danglers  dancing down there.  From birth to late 5 years old it's not necessary for boys in nomad to wear pants  and nobody gives a glance of their dangling treasures, nobody shames their fathers for their boys   but girls everyone will jaw drop, cover  their mouths with their hands as if they never seen a  little girl's genital  and then shame the mother for not guarding the little girl.

Are you circumcised?

As a child she grew up with her grandmother, uncles and cousins, her grandma believe circumcised girls in very young age under 10 years old  will delay their growth so she waited until her teenage but Zei had another bad experience  of the bullies, stereotypes  and the  pressures   almost everyone males, females, kids and adults alike. The most  stupid and the most popular  question that Zei received   daily basis  was. Are you circumcised??? sometimes they say you're too old for having that long and impure clitoris, sometimes they call me names such (She who with clitoris) or (the girl with clitoris)sometime it saved me Zei recalled.

One day I was walking alone escaped from my abusive family and I was  walking around didn't know where I was going or what I was going to do, when I encountered two stranger men in their  mid 30s when they see me they knew about me already because I have been in the neighborhood  for a while, stayed with a local strangers in several weeks so they knew me, they came toward me I was frightened and didn't know what to do? what will they do to me?? my mind was full of questions because men were what I feared the most since in my culture believed  having sex out of wedlock is taboo and is punishable not mention  the family honor which is another disaster so I feared if they do things like rape then I will no longer exist on this world Zei said.

The men approached me and  asked me. Are you circumcised? that was their first word, I expected other questions like what is your name? Where are you going? What is your tribe? blaah but this question was neither  on my mind nor I prepared the answer I got frightened more almost froze and answered with low whisper like  voice. "No" they looked each other and one of them said. She is a kid and the other nodded agreeing  of course she is just a kid they told me to come with them and led me  to a nearby couple dome-shaped huts lived by  two families just two women and their children I knew them and never seen a male in the family they brought me a mat to sit down and told me  feel free to ask whatever you want and get whatever you want from the families, "be the guest" they said. Which was really nice. But what I still  wonder  is what would they do to me if  my  answer was yes???? Let alone wonder this, it sounded like my filthy clitoris  saved me from those monsters who suddenly turned to be kind after realizing my uncleanliness and impurity.

Zei said I was told that the circumcision is the only key to have a successful future, a happily marriage, to earn your spouse and in law's  respect, to cleanse yourself, to have children  and that's to remove your whole clitoris and then stitch your labia minoras together Zei didn't agree the whole idea. But what choice she had? one day I was on an escape journey when I stayed with a family of a tribe we called (midgo) this tribe is famous with it's circumcision practicers, barbers and hunters  the family's old lady who was herself a circumcision practicer   asked me about it and I told her not yet  she was trying to comfort me saying don't worry grandma will get you a lady soon to do it. I was like what lady??? the knife welding old or middle  aged ladies who carry rusty knives, scissors, razor blades, sewing needles, with or without an  anesthetic there is no an anesthetic in nomad so not to mention it and they use those equipment over 30 girls without cleaning it, they sharpen the scissors, knives, razor blades and the noodles with stones or other  rusty metals.

The red legged lady

During  Zei's early teen  she was old  enough to undergo FGM but she was away "escaped from the abuse she received everyday"  She said when I suddenly disappeared and  my family couldn't find me they went to a nearby village everyday  to heard news of my whereabouts but there was no luck in weeks and they thought I was far away or dead  so grandma went to large town and after  days of walking in the crowded malls and streets with speaker asking people if they seen me and describing about my appearance or  what I was wearing when I disappeared she still had no luck of finding me so she went to a diviner/fortune teller whatever you call and asked her help with her "anthracomancy" method While grandma was still in the town the news about me finally reached to the village and uncle came to me and finally  the diviner  told grandma that I was taken by a tall, dark unfriendly man and that I was at home safe.  Couple days later she sent a verbal note requesting my presence in the town where she was at the time and the next day uncle threw me  on a truck, but I was never told why  was I sent?  And what am I supposed to do? Let alone wonder this. These questions where on my mind in the rest of the week. Why am I here? What am I doing here? but whom shall I ask?

Grandma took two days asking the town people a good FGM practicer who have longer experience. Was she looking for someone with Ph D of circumcision or someone who went college for it?? of course not those ladies are uneducated most of them are illiterate and they never practiced it in schools or with fake people but they started with  and tortured a lot girls, one of them was a nomadic woman whom I knew, She  said I'll start with my  daughter so if it works with my daughter I'll continue doing it but if I fail I won't do it anymore after she tortured her own child she began hunting the other girls and earning whatever the girls' families could afford such sheep, goat, gee butter,  clothes, or other household items whatever they could afford and this is how  all of those knife welding old or middle aged  ladies started practicing FGM.

Zei's grandma found an old lady who had long experience of FGM her nickname was  (the red legged) she was skinny  light  skinned not all of somali people are dark some of them are more light skinned  than the most so she was one of them and her legs were almost white that's why she earned the   nickname  red legs,since we somalis call the light skinned ones among us (RED).  One morning in the early morning when the sun rose I was told to go to the latrine and take a bath that is when I realized why I was here Zei recalled. After I took the bath  I was led to an abandoned dome shaped hut  which a distance relative owned and the red legged  arrived Now there were  4 ladies they made what felt like ritual or witchcraft circle one sat behind my head, two others sat my left and right  sides and the red legged lady sat behind my legs I was laid back, then she grabbed her equipment set them  aside  a razor blade, a sewing needle with  thread, an anesthetic, a syringe, and a lot more include some remedies from plants then all I remember was the anesthetic shot, when I gained my sensation it was painful my ankles were bounded  together and my knees as well to prevent motion so I had to lay there motionlessly in the whole week, and bathroom was the worst.

I wasn't allowed to drink  water  because grandma believed drinking plenty of water will cause frequent  peeing and  it will delay the  healing  in matter of  time so all I drank was a glass of water every meal time even my meal were limited, a week passed and it was time for the red legged lady to return as she promised to cut the thread off and take it out but she never returned because grandma paid her in full and she wasn't expecting any more money from us. So why would she waste her time coming here without paid grandma was guilt for wasted some shillings and at the same time was furious  because  she was supposed to leave tomorrow to nomad but. How can she leave me while I'm still stitched? Zaynab a local woman who had the same experience valunteered and cut the thread off and took it out.

later life.

Zei's life after the FGM in Somalia was what felt  like house arrest she even moved to a town hopping the situation at home  would get better but got worse in nomad she would walk out with the herds all day but in town since there were no herds to herd she was only allowed to go to the  madrasa an Islamic schools that she learned  arabic language and what was called holy  books such quran and hadeth, she wasn't allowed to go out because of her culture a girl's dignity is to stay in her home in that case she'll have a good future, she'll be respected and she doesn't need to go out to   find a man because the perfect prince charming that God planned for her will come knocking her door one day but a girl going out will end up prostituting and will bring bastard children then she lose her dignity, respect and honor, her actions will  also shame  her family's honor. Zei didn't like  the idea of being house arrest to earn her own honor and the  future Mr. Right so she always broke the house rules she used to go out once a week or once two weeks to stretch her legs just to have some walk around the malls or to visit relatives and get fresh air but when she come back she had to pay the price for breaking grandma's rules. 

And since Zei is pure now and is ready for marriage to anyone who asks her hand in marriage  she must be more guarded than when she was a little girl with dangling clitoris.

Hello Minneapolis!

In 2008 Zei was sponsored to come to the united States her new life in here wasn't as luxurious as she expected the abuse at home was no different from her whole life. But there was something Zei couldn't believe that was that somali dudes in west aren't interested in circumcised girls Zei couldn't believe this because back home (Somalia) uncircumcised girls were considered whores and they lose their respect from their spouse, in-laws and they disgrace their families. Because it's the only way to prove their virginity, purity.

Zei would proudly admit it when the dudes start questioning her sexual desires and her favorite sex positions or talk about the sex positions they favor  most dudes always talk dirty but Zei's goal was to get married and have a  somali traditional wedding, which is getting married and sleeping with the new husband at first night while still circumcised to prove her virginity but All dudes would say. Poor you, you have no feelings at all.

feel sorry for you etc, I expected to be honored not be sorry for, I felt angry and questioned why was I tortured if  the men no longer want my clean lines Zei said and after learning all  the successful circumcision stories were lies  she is fighting against it.

Marriage and childbirth

After 6 years of furious, confused and  didn't know who she really is anymore she met a western man who know nothing about somali culture or  the circumcised girls 2 months after marriage the reversal began  it went well like the circumcising moment and there were no problems but as the doctor advised not to have intercourse until 3 weeks after that things were not how I expected.

I was curious of what sex is really like and couldn't wait the whole 3 weeks while it was still painful at the same time healing, I have been asking myself this question what  is sex like and sometimes I would ask my married friends but they didn't give any pleasuring sound all they said was it's just the husband's call he'll call when he wants so I took it as the husband's pleasure while the women are just lying there waiting the husbands to satisfy themselves then go.

After 3 weeks were over and the wound healed well I started my journey but it was even more painful than both circumcising moment and the reversal it felt nothing at all I had to push my husband away at the middle of the intercourse almost every time we tried and then I had to  distant  myself from him  this didn't hurt only me it greatly hurt deeply not that he felt I don't want to have sex or that I  hate him but he understood why I push him away because of the senselessness and the pain he would do whatever it takes to restore however it seems there is nothing he could do.

He would be asking what can I do to take the pain away and make you comfortable around? I would do whatever it takes to get back my missing parts as well and I want it back all the time, I wish those parts  would grow again but it can't I now understand why my friends didn't seem they had any sexual pleasures.

My child came through  Cesarean section but I still have the fear what if the next child come through vaginal birth? would this cause another pain? because I had enough of it and not want anymore FGM related pains to disturb me.