My 4 worlds

I'll not say I'm the only survivor of the most horrible domestic abuse because I know there are so many other females sometimes males as well who suffered or still suffering domestic abuse even worse than I,  being a survivor isn't mean only survivor  of lethal weapons or cure less  diseases also those who suffered of child abuse or domestic abuse are survivors as well.

I'm now one of very few survivors of both  most terrible  domestic and child abuse and the female genital mutilation (FGM) itself, I  had three different life experience not to mention the current because it's what I call  my fourth world, I can't write the whole story here I'm sure it will be more than  50,000 or more page a of a book which I'm planning to write now but I can share some of it.

My 1st world.

My first world where I grew up as a kid was nomad we were travelers moving from place to place I was the youngest in the household so I was shown love, care and  treated well but still had times that were  abuse for punishment  but at the age of 8  my world turned upside down when I runaway from my family at the first time I didn't know where I was going I was just a kid.

After this my whole family loathed me especially my guardian I can't tell who exactly it's but it's not biological parent anyway my guardian thought I shamed the family's name and did whatever she could to stop me running away, so this nomad life was the most hardship life I ever lived I was punished constantly  if I don't take good care of  the animals by this  it's doesn't  mean I didn't take care of them it means even if an accident happen like bunch of goats and sheep strayed  I'm punished for not keeping them together or if one of the animal is killed by fox or other carnivores I'm punished for not protecting them, or when taking them to the pasture lands if I don't follow the exact direction that was told to do so I'm punished for breaking the rule, never mind for being punished for accidents or things that were not expected I loved the animals and always eager to take good care of them you know what things won't be how you wish it to be.

For example I took good care of them and at last tried to go to the hut to wet my  dry throat and when I come back I found out the smart ass fox already killed a sheep. Was this my responsibility? of course I was  assigned to take care of the herds but it was accident, fate happened.

The punishment wasn't only about those herds  also if I drunk a small milk that was left for tonight's dinner to ease my starvation because we weren't allowed to cook breakfast either lunch all we had was dinner to dinner except the rain seasons which we had some milk that helped us kids and now being escapee I faced the worst punishment that a child of my family member  haven't faced yet at least.

I  was punished almost everything and what do you think the punishment was like?  

I was treated like an alien. you heard me? I said an alien I mean whenever  my guardian was angry to me she always said no fool person, stubborn, impure, filthy, or anyone like her were ever born from Ismail offspring but satan/devil  brought her to us.

Although I was too young to be considered impure or sexually controlled but my guardian did it because my culture believe if a girl goes out of her family's home she is impure.
Well in this case when I get hurt and crying helplessly I would say I'm not the grandchild then  I asked myself then who the hell am I? the devil's child in human form?

And as well the abuse worsened day after day from a loved grand kid to loathed unknown filthy, what I mean this is because I was punished differently from the other family kids, the difference was that my legs were chained to prevent me from escaping, most of the time I was tree  mate meaning my arms were tied behind my back,  brought me under  a nearby tree and tied on the tree poles  and left there half day or the whole which I once nearly lost my forearms, my private parts were burned in  this case I don't know the reason  why was I burned? let alone question because no  one will answer this, held knife in my throat threatening me that they'll slaughter me if I don't obey them, hog tied and left there in the whole night  and the final  I was whipped shepherd sticks.

All of this except the shepherd stick the other kids were never had but why only me?? this is another unanswered question,  anyway this was my first world. When I say I was raised in a violent environment I sometimes fear that some people may see me as a violent person but I'm not afraid to break the silence anymore.

My 2nd world

Well in 2001 we moved in a town after a long escape journey my mom was informed that if not done something as soon as possible my dead body will be found one day mom ordered us to settle down  in  the town because I was already there after I took a ride with my guardian's stolen money, I was enrolled madrasa Islamic schools where I learned foreign language arabic instead of learning my own language because I was already speaking somali but I was illiterate.

The physical  domestic abuse was less but still treated the same at home and  at the madrasa the kids knew I'm an ex-herds girl meaning they know I won't fight back so they bullied me and my cousin, after a while the things at home again worsened now it's about my little cousin whom was the disaster in my life our guardian launched physical abuse this time it's all about the boy he would insult verbally, throw stone to me, or spit on my face.. or do  whatever he wish when I hit him our guardian would punish me to avenge the little boy, meaning the physical abuse was less doesn't mean the things went better noooooooo, the verbal abuse was another matter.

I'll give one of the most worst verbal abuse, well one evening the little boy and I were around while our guardian was in our corrugated iron sheet bed  room after a short  fight he cried, then here comes guardian running  and started throwing tantrums and her usual  verbal abuse asking me. why did you hit him?  because he refused to fuck you? I'm telling you he is not a man yet go out and find a man, I don't care what she said about me  but there was  one bothersome thing she said this in front of the little  boy while he proudly listened the whole scene and  seemed happy to have a vengeful guardian. In my culture parents do avenge when an older kid hits the younger one who can't fight back so this is usual and there is another thing because I was a female out there it's male supremacy country  and he was a man no matter how old he is, he is still treated like gentleman.

I protested once and told my guardian that I'm fed up with this and I want the little boy to go his parents home or he have to show me some respect but instead  I was told I'm  easier to leave the house than him. how come?    there was no where I should go my mom was here in U.S and my father was unknown dead or alive as well his family I sometime considered myself an orphan because I thought if my father was alive and lived in my backyard south Somalia while I was in north he would come looking for his only child and rescue me from this hell but it was a fool's day dream, that's why I can't   forgive him. 

I wouldn't mind getting out of the house I would feel like a bird flew out of  it's cage and I wouldn't mind living with strangers as long as they don't hurt me yet I'll be caught and be punished.

That was  my send world. 

My 3rd world

Back in Africa I used to  hear in  America  children aren't abused because the government and child protection service  will take them away so I imagined  myself living in a beating free zone but my nightmare shattered when I was beaten with a rolling pin within 2nd week of my arrival yet my new life in America was no different from back home although my previous guardian wasn't here if she was I would be living in hell, wait I don't believe the actual hells that are mentioned in the  religions I mean the oppression itself is  hell, and being disabled my family didn't know what to do with me so they sent me away to school and my off days all I do was baby sit or bury myself in my bed room  because what else would I do no one out there to talk only mom whom started to hit me before we even get to know each other or the kids who were too young to talk to and too busy of playing.

I was being controlled every step I take out of the apartment and forced to return the child abuse to my younger siblings what I mean is my mom goes to her full-time job and  I'm with the kids 8 hour plus an hour of  driving back and forty so if those kids don't listen to  me or break the rules I used to tell mom what they did but instead of teaching the kids to behave well I was yelled even punished  why not beat them? what were you doing? watching  TV? or what else? the TV was turned off  to stop me watching but it worsened because the cartoons usually helped me  babysit, imagine taking care of 3 kids with no T.V. no toys, no games nothing at all then they go  out of control and this was forcing me to hit them to stop them doing hazard, so now I'm the abuser too.

But my happiness was out of the damn apartment although I'm still depressed but I felt  fresh air at least, I wasn't allowed to have friends I once had a female friend who taught me how to ride the city buses but after few time mom was mad and disliked me going out of the house.

At the beginning my 3rd world was very strange with the different people and confusing.

4th world

Well, this is my new world the 4th world which I consider magic world what I mean is that it really changed too quick?  you might be curious how did it changed.

After found out that the mother I thought was wonderful was no different than my previous guardian this must be genetic, the only difference was she feared that if the child protection service  find it out they'll take all of us kids, the only hope I had was to find a man, get married and leave them but I knew if I marry a somali man  he  would be  the same as my family do I was like "NO way out" I mean I was trapped and if I married abusive man what I would do is commit a suicide as  I really did 9 years ago but I was saved by a neighbor.

Tired of play boys who talk only about the appearance of the woman they want or the type of  sexual they prefer or blah blah screw players, now I curiously joined a dating site then a strange dude appeared out of tiny air it was harder  than any relationship I ever had because we were different people with different cultures so adjusting my own culture, the somali community stigmas and convincing my family about our relationship  took time cause he was the man of my dream,  although he matched the requirement of Islamic marriage but my family's  strict believe and culture made it more difficult to make them understand, and even for me it wasn't  that easy I was raised to stay away from the infidels, back home I used to go to the Fridays lectures or Thursdays night lectures when I was hearing which I always heard the imams preaching that the infidels are our arch-villains they'll never rest until they preach you about their believe and turn the muslims  away from their righteous  path so never show them sympathy, never show them love, or make them friends and so on I was raised in a  Jews hatred environment and guardian  who always cursed Jews whenever heard the name yuhuud (Jews) she used to pray to her God that he wipe all of the Jews out of the  universe and leave no one and then Christians until no unbeliever is left now having an unbeliever family it was not as easy as waving the magic wand but I was willing to fight for my freedom over my family, I mean come on oppression is  a house prison..

Anyway after meeting with this strange dude my world magically changed, the people I firstly  considered the nemesis of my believe  and secondly considered  the strangers from the other side of the  world now magically turned to be my new loving and caring family, smiling and helpful strangers on out there almost anywhere  while in  the other hand I was disowned by my biological. 

I'm not bring hit not I hit back, I'm raising a daughter and I'm trying to build a healthy boundaries but they'll never understand however I'm done with their culture and I'm making my own culture based on love, care , support and responsibility of my child.

Life isn't always easy there are ups and downs but I'm completely happy with my new life, although my mother blames me and even  herself for my   liberation because if I was still in Africa none of this would happen so bringing me here is what she blames of herself who cares. was I borne to please the gods and my parents? where is my own life?